‘Great News, your funeral is at 10AM tomorrow’ would be far greater news you freaky, decrepit, prehistoric relic, stubborningly clinging onto a useless irrelevant life that no one cares about now or ever has done. Don’t dream of ever finding out that an ‘unknown Aunt’ has bequeathed you £5m as it’s never going to happen as you have no family or anyone at all who would even admit to knowing you.
Fuck off.