King Billy

I’ve often dreamed of Nigel Havers having an unfortunate but catastrophic accident and what opportunities that might present for ‘Moi’

After she’s plated my hairy arse

You just did

And the bloke said”Rolex or Cartier?”

I fuckin hate diy why do think I got married? If a jobs worth doing, make her do it, after she’s made my dinner and sucked me off while I’m watching countdown. God I love that woman!

Randy Bentwick

Tie Rack and Lego land

Thank god you’ve found my wife’s driving licence. That photo was a few years ago. She’s let herself go now. Still got her personality though. Fucking ugly cunt. Wish I’d never married her four times

And her penis tucked between her manly thighs

With a swift uppercut. Fuckin twats getting too big for his boots. Cunt

we’re

think

Yeah but once we silence these snivelling remoaners and claim our birthright we can import some starving European peasants to go sniff them out in the woods, cos I heard that after Brexit we’re having summer all year round. Fucking project fear cunts. If they wanted to fool me they should’ve called it something else. Do they were cunts or what?

I’ve got the Homobase crew backing me. This could end up a turf war. Now we’re talking. My mate started on the trolleys at B+Q last August and now he owns his own overalls and safety boots. Who said Britain was fucked? Every day he rides that bus to work grinning like Lord fucking Sugars apprentice.

Seems to me the only sensible thing the slant eyed yellow midgets have ever done is drive their 998cc Nissan Micras on the correct side of the road. Unlike their neighbours the tiddlywinks who don’t. Anyway they’re nothing to worry about cos I saw on tv that their army are are all made from terracotta. Cunts have even got a fake army.

And who had the fuckin dragons den idea ‘Lets all live in paper houses and sniff schoolgirls panties?

Who do you think you are kidding Mr Hitler?

Gammon’s the way forward now mate

Just heard Theresa May and Chukka Umunna had a secret meeting tonight. Downing Street has denied that Black Rod was seen to pop out during their trade talks.

I drove down to the food bank last week and they had no caviar or fucking truffles left. What a cunt of a day that was.

I thought it looked rather fetching, sort of like she was fetching something for you down at B +Q

And Alex Salmond with his hand up it

Just a shame if your on the council waiting list in Bethnal Green. Your being knocked back 1 place the minute this cunt gets off the plane. But hey ho.

Mr Obramovitch’s tarpaulin store has certainly filled a void in the Salisbury Cathedral Renovation Supplies market. Obviously these russkies don’t become billionaires by pure luck. Clever cuntskis

As Mr Bedingfield famously sang “Gimme just a second and I’ll be alright”