Dave Umbongo

Have you got any clothes I can borrow?

Do you want me to go the whole hog and dress like an unbelievably camp gay man wearing a wig and convey my apology using the medium of dance in a shitty video?, with a creme bin in the background, naturally.

Oh dear, oh dear. Do you actually know what a past participle is, child? I know school's out but for fucks sake.

Well it ain't gonna fucking get far without some twat steering it so yes, you do drive.

Oh irony!! RELAID is the correct past participle of relay, you illiterate mouth breathing glue eater.

I'm about halfway through 'Dont F**k With Cats' on Netflix. That fucking Luka Magnotta cunt shouldn't even be on the planet let alone still above ground level.

He ticked the LGBT+ box. Remember he was a pink cow (with tits) called George! or do you think that was short for Georgina?

Fuck me, That's a relief. I thought these fucking rainbows were a modern day substitute for the old red cross painted on the door. I thought 60% of my local neighbourhood were infected and I was getting ready to follow the flies in the warm weather to locate where the dead bodies were so I could partake in a bit of looting before their families arrived to clear up the mess. That's put a fucking downer on my Easter weekend.

You insensitive cunt. You mean he's to short for his weight.

Don't need to. I nicked Manky's bicycle pump.

It would be a total mind fuck if he contracted and died of MRSA just because he went to hospital

I've not seen Casualty lately but didn't this stupid bitch have alzheimers? which might explain this Mitty type story she's invented for her PR wagon

Isn't it about time you moved out then you little cunt, and have a bit more respect for your mum and dad.

I wonder how many people will still be wearing masks on October 31st?

....or is it more likely to have been your boyfriend taking advantage of your drunken state and gave you a rough pummeling.

8. Ginger. 9. Canada. 10. Annus. 11. Horribilus. 12. Expelliarmus.

I hear Mills & Boon are looking for another ghost writer Rev. This eloquent piece will definitely give you a shoe in.

Fat cunt, and one half of Little & Large (guess which one) has checked out early thanks to Covid-19. Although, as it turns out, he was receiving treatment for heart failure!! Now if I was a heart doctor I would jump at the chance to blame something else for a patients death.

You mean the return of Anti-social distancing or, to term it another way, "Oi!, did you spill my pint, you cunt"

If you live in or near Hounslow then frankly you've obviously given up on expecting anything good out of life. Seeing what you describe sounds very much like the norm given the location.

It's a case of life imitating art in this instance. Anyone remember Operation Good Guys?

What about her son? Do you reckon its because after suckling on those titties he realised he wasn't going to get any better so decided to push shit around and drool over hairy backs instead?

Who? He/She/It sounds like a real limp twisted, snowflake of a cunt.

Should have heeded her own advice all those years ago in Portugal. "Stay indoors, look after your kids."

Yes, but put it in context Neil, that's a MASSIVE 10% increase, in 10 days 100% of the people in Norfolk will be dead. Dianne said so.