Dave Umbongo

I bet Irene isn't singing the first line of the chorus of Fame anymore.

Correct me if I'm wrong but, Sooty was male wasn't 'he'? I think there is a bit more psycho-analysis required on the details of your story.

Is the box made out of one of Heather Mills' old legs??

I wonder if they'll do a special edition commemorating Enid Blyton and have an image of Noddy on the other side?

Don't you just build a pyr of washed up dead Albanians to burn after you've sold them one of your 'luxury inflatable cruise boats' to the UK.

The uneducated chavs amongst us who can't afford to heat their homes are clamouring over this tea light-upturned plant pot heater, with devastating results. They seem to quite often generate a bit more heat than planned because they haven't mastered fire and Trumpton has to turn up to give all their household possessions the only wash their ever likely to get just to put the fucking flames out. Thick (cold) cunts. Lol

You can't exactly award heritage status to a particularly pungent aroma of BO or halitosis though, can you

Hello Old Chap. I was on call-out last week (I mustn't drink when I'm on-call) and today, when I can drink, I've just been prescribed anti-biotics so it's going to be at least another 5 days before alcohol passes my lips. In total that will be 12 consecutive days which breaks my record which was set when I was a mere boy of 14 yrs old. It's a piece of piss giving things up, IMO. Have a good evening.

Airfix? What's wrong with Tamiya?

I went to the dentist recently and I had a couple of fucked broken teeth that I suspected would require pulling. Turns out I 'need' to have 3 out. I'm a child of the 70's when dentists filled healthy teeth to maximise NHS income!! And I think my particular dentist was a former butcher. Cunt. Anyhow, @King Billy, shall I go for a small denture (£100ish) or 8 thousand quid worth of implants amounting to only four fucking teeth?

And keeping steel toe-capped boots on will cause compression fractures to the skull, but I'll keep mine on for you anyway.

I noted that this piece of information to confirm a partial ID has also been absent from all current media reports however, I'll give it a guess, as it was at night it's going to be slightly more 'hit and miss' ('scuse the pun).., I'll go for black........and red now...., obviously.

Kill yourself*. (* Getting it in before the Govt bill is enforced)

Just get a fucking job in Scholl or Clarks or, if you prefer the dirty sweaty trotters of pig ugly chavs, ShoeZone. I wouldn't recommend Loakes though as it is full of gays, like Francis.

This Chris Kaba cunt had been apprehended a week before he received his justice for possession of a knife. Now who's to say he wouldn't have gone on to use it on some 16 year old cunt like the ones that have succumbed overnight in London. I'm glad the cunt is dead.

I like your proposal but where the fuck is @Eric Cuntman going to get 4 million bullets for his toy of choice?

Are we talking blokes or birds?, You thucking fick wanker.

Were the words, "that useless fucking cunt has left a coffee stain on my desk, can't we get a new cleaner rather than ____________*?"(insert your name here)

Best advert for beer ever. The beer was like piss water.

I made a last minute decision only yesterday to go teetotal for the duration of the world cup in support of all the stupid wankers who have travelled to Qatar to watch this shitfest sober.

Keep up to date Dickless, ever since 1st October I've now got to put a CO alarm in the fucking place, not that my workmanship will in anyway be at fault, if the boiler does develop a fault and start spewing about toxic gas the tenants are going to be alright to keep paying the rent.

I've just purchased 18 fresh eggs from my local Tesco's and I'm now making myself an omelette. What fucking egg shortage?

Fucking media stoking the flames again trying to get everyone to complain about mould in their homes. This is in some properties that date from circa. 1920, so what the fuck did they do about mould in the property for the previous 100+ years?? Proof, if ever it was required, that the problem is down to central heating and UPVC double glazing and the fuckwit occupants not having the intelligence to manage it properly. I wonder if that little kid had a positive COVID test in the previous 28 days.

All these overpaid prima-Donna's have to do is kick the fucking ball in the back of the net (preferably the opponent's net). Don't let them get distracted by all this political woke-fest as they've barely got the intelligence to be considered sentient beings.

I've produced better on a pavement with red wine and a partially digested kebab.