Dave Umbongo

1. Alison Hammond 2. Nikki Fox 3. Gemma Collins 4. Ape Congratulations Ape, you've made it to number 4.

That didn't fucking work. You might need to up the ante like fashion a voodoo doll of her / him / it. I suggest an Action Man as a starting point as you could then fashion your own genitalia to suit.

For some fucking bizarre reason, after that response I have this mental image of Alison squatting over a Royal Doulton chair and squeezing a fuck off huge log out, and me standing there quizzically wondering where the shit ends and she starts. Any aspiring freuds care to analyse that fucking disaster?

The last time I picked up a 'tape' must have been in the last century. Have you been in some sort of Captain America type coma or something??

Actually I only use the TV to unwind after a hard day working or just generally living a life. However, TV doesn't allow me to unwind when shit like this is on hosted my mediocre K-List, so called celebrities. I fucking detest the fat sow.

Hosted by a black bitch that has had tooo much recognition, IMO. Not one to repeat myself without good reason but, I fucking hate the fat useless fucking waste of blubber.

If life couldn't get any fucking worse I notice this fat fucking polarised opposite of Gemma Collins Is on TV tonight with her own show about school or something. I'm not really interested as I won't be watching unless it's got some snuff action in it and there isn't a fucking sequel. I fucking hate talentless fat slags.

Well it's getting fucking ridiculous, a takeaway near Redbridge, Bims Burgers, has been fined a thousand quid for breaking the curfew. The order was taken at 10pm but the food wasn't served until 10:04pm. Now, I could see the point of this if some fucker could demonstrate to me what possible fucking benefit there was to the fight against Covid if the burger was served 5 minutes earlier. This new law isn't like speeding where going 5mph over the speed limit in a 20mph or 30mph zone has a clear and demonstrable detrimental affect if you have a collision. Fucking load of old bollox to keep jobs worth fuckwits in a job.

Melted candle.

I don't think so. Fortunately Ape is quite a unique character and at least the quality of posts will improve until he's out.

We need a fuck off wall to keep these Neanderthals out. Does anyone have the Email address for a builder called Hadrian?

Premium Bonds!. Another £25 'win' for me this month which means I am currently sitting at an equivalent interest rate of 1.15% for the year. This gamble has paid off so fuck off.

Haro, Mr Dudley.

Middlesborough is up North isn't it. Who gives a flying fuck what those backwards monkeys do?

Steady on you two. Are you ganging up on me because of the post the other day when I put something like your tits sagging more than your prolapsed fanny.

Why so rattled then?

No. Its coz you're a stinky old gyppo.

I'm surprised Matt Lucas hasn't suggest they make baked potato cakes to go with that shitty appalling song he came up with, the fucking humpty dumpty sausage jockey.

I therefore nominate Fwank for the lead in the second version.

Isn't this an immigrant resident of Knotty Ash.

Eddie. The first black snowflake.

The nom. said 'a fresh start'. Have you considered it may not even be a woman?? It didn't do Silver Fox Phil's publicity any harm when he said he enjoyed golf...., sorry, I meant sticking his cock up a mans arsehole.

I'd like to see the Vision Express advert remade with Sir Trev talking about the importance of good vision ogling half naked birds on the beach and sitting in a seedy Soho bar watching pole dancers get naked with various zoom shots of the nipples and fanny area. Phowwar!

And she can shove her golden snitch up her snatch.

I am sure Ape and I would get on like a house on fire* in the real world but all this on here is make believe so there you have it. * preferably with Ape on the inside and me on the outside.