I handed my pager back in 2002 .. I was in Montrose talking to Baws back in 1998 when my pager pinged and I found out that 1M74 had failed leaving Maesteg.
The is sue is that if he chops off ten of his fingers he will still have two fingers left to type with. I think that his nose is squishy from sniffing all those lines of coke so he may need a stich stuck to his forehead to tap the keyboard with.
Perhaps a search through recent newspaper articles to see if there was anyone with an Irish sounding name getting sentenced 18 months in clink might be worthwhile.