Cuntybaws

Old enough, my dear Stickers, to have three grown-up children, which means that over the years I have had to sit through apparently-infinite repeats of every episode ever made of Thomas the fucking Tank Engine, Tots TV, Teletubbies, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and bastard fucking Pokémon. The respective inventors of VHS video and CBeebies are cunts.

http://www.havehalalwilltravel.com/blog/explore-berlin-like-a-pro-with-this-muslim-friendly-travel-guide/ Halal currywurst. Fuck me.

It's about time a genuine tragedy knocked the latest episode of the Ben Needham saga out of the headlines. I expect the McCanns will be along shortly to remind everyone that they lost a child too.

Some generic definitions of “turbo shandy” can be found, as usual, on Urban Dictionary. The variant I'm familiar with is made with Tennents' Super Lager and Smirnoff Ice, with a double vodka added because, well, why not? PS Anyone who tells you that you should use Irn Bru WKD instead of Smirnoff Ice is a lying, Philistine cunt. And/or Jacko. PPS I genuinely don't understand why someone with access to Google would instead expend time and effort typing their question into Cunts Corner and then wait hours or days for a response, especially given that said response is usually something along the lines of “Fuck off, bellend!” It seems to happen a lot, though.

The average human is smarter than Usain Bolt, and would leave Albert Einstein standing in a 100m sprint. Except you, though, obviously. PS A truly autistic person would probably add a PS at this point to the effect that Einstein is dead and the average glacier would be able to travel 100m quicker, but I'm not falling into that trap, oh no!

Some spectrum dwellers apparently prefer to be described as "neuro-atypical". I'm more of a neuro-superior sort of chap.

Criticize the behaviour, not the person.

I'm getting a terrible feeling of Déjà vu here...

Not for Sunday breakfast, no. The rest of the time I'll settle for a Scotch pie, triple deep fried, with a Mars Bar chaser, all washed down with a turbo shandy.

The cunt lives in Cheshire now. Just saying.

The other equally laughable concept is that of the infinite multiverse, which insists that anything that you can imagine WILL happen. This means that somewhere there exists a parallel Earth where Cuntwad is the supreme ruler, Roops is shagging Decimus, and Donner has a double figure likes-to-posts ratio. If that isn't a cast iron example of what mathematicians and logicians call "proof by contradiction" then I don't know what else will convince you.

You stole my punchline, you cunt. Luckily I can now see that it has a hint of the MikeD about it, so you're fucking welcome to it.

Although I'm not entirely comfortable with the construct, that would be "poofs' roofs" rather than "pooves' rooves", for the above mentioned reason and out of the necessity for juxtapositional consistency.

Computer simulation or not, where do you stand on the "free will" question? Nick Bostrom is a cunt.

I may be wrong, but perhaps it's because he doesn't like poofs? (I refuse to say "pooves" because that's a bit, er, well, gay.)

I'm so fucking slick!

Oi, you fucking cunt, I was only away for a day. Oh, wait, you meant Jacko?

Holst? Never heard of him. No, only kidding. As well as the obvious majesty of Mars and Jupiter, my favourite is probably Neptune, the mystic. And, needless to say, I have a soft spot for Uranus too.

Somewhat let down by the fact that the video appears to have been directed by the same cunt who was responsible for "Star Trek - The Motion Picture". The first minute or so of this one is perhaps the finest minute of piano music ever written. The other 35 minutes are a bit crap, sadly.

Worst Pokémon ever!

My old gran could throw a right hook better than Lennox fucking Lewis, and she's been decomposing for decades.

Wyclef Jean is a cunt.

Rules? In a knife fight? No rules!

Where's the beef?