Cuntybaws

​Father Murphy has certainly grasped the "Get thee behind me" bit, although he occasionally confuses Satan with choirboys.

​Don't you listen to that Stickers cunt, Chubster, keep up this sort of in-depth, on-topic assessment and you're all right with me.

​Lorraine fucking Kelly, or Judy fat-arse Finnigan. The prosecution rests.

A spouter of uninformed, tedious, driveling monotone cliches, and a potato-faced, plastic paddy, know nothing gobshite to boot! When Mrs Baws ventures a comment on televised football it is generally confined to "Nice arse!" or "Why don't your team just sign Messi and then they might win a game?" but even she has recognised Townsend for the cunt he is and made me turn the sound off. Apparently ITV aren't renewing his contract after the end of this season. The only mystery is how it took them 15 fucking years to rumble the coma-inducing cunt.

​If it isn't already, I'm sure it will be!

I thought I'd carry out some research by doing an image search for "Scouse poofs". O'Grady was there all right, but only after wading through several pages like this. Could the Rev have been right all along?

I've warned you about all this TV shite before, Mike. Have you never seen "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"?

​You'd be no better off with a blow job from the Giacometti they sold at the same auction for a mere $141 million. Supermodel thin, but it would be like rubbing your old chap down with medium grade sandpaper. PS It's a bloke really (titled "The Pointing Man") but never let facts stand in the way of a punchline!

I imagine the standard of the jokes here might be better if they'd called it a closet rather than a cabinet. Harvey Proctor is a cunt.

​Cunts who say "whom", whether it's called for or not or - indeed - even just a typo. I'm "on a mission" to eradicate that sort of thing.

I got no emotions for anybody else, you better understand I'm in love with myself...

Pardon my ignorance, but is is this anything like those role-playing murder mystery evenings? Mrs Baws had to dress up as a nun for one of those once, and it turned out that this was not a cunt. I don't know if real nuns ever shave their twats and go out pantless in public, but if Jesus is anything like me he'd be very appreciative if they did.

Hey, look on the bright side, at least he didn't do it using 10 different sizes of Comic Sans all tucked away in a series of spoiler boxes.​

Just the other day some hat-wearing old cunt in a Suzuki Swift in front of me - already on the roundabout - actually fucking stopped dead half way round to let another car enter from the next junction. It wasn't rush hour; in fact, apart from me, there was no other traffic in sight. I can only assume the cunt driving it was deaf, dumb, blind and fucking stupid. I can't imagine how else he failed to notice me flashing, beeping, and waving assorted numbers of fingers out my window at him for the next mile or two. I was so incandescent with rage that I actually did something I've never done before and reported the total fucking wanker to the police (not that they'll probably do anything.) The cunt probably thinks he's the best and most considerate driver ever, but it's cunts like that who get other cunts killed.

​I've been trapped with a few of these cunts on 'planes over the years. There's nothing like listening to some dumb fucking slag without a scintilla of self-awareness giving it large at full volume to an even dumber audience of oohing-and-aahing cunts about how clever little baby Brandon is at eating chicken nuggets, or her new fucking conservatory that the last benefits cheque paid for, and knowing you're trapped in there for another 10 fucking hours with them. No wonder that German cunt flew into the fucking mountain!

Cold is God's way of telling us to burn more Catholics.

I should have been more explicit - he's gone! Lost by 422 votes after a recount. Ah, hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

"Hipster" is by far the nicest thing anyone has ever called Jazz.

Ah hahahahahahahahahahaha. Aaah hahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh, Eddie Miliband, your boys took a hell of a beating

​Jenny Agutter in Equus! Now, where did I leave my crusty sock?

Platinum is the new black. Or is it the other way round? Not that anyone gives a fuck.

I recall Alan "Tubby" Tucker from the Upper Fourth - a spotty oik who brought a whole new dimension to immaturity - who thought it the height of wit to ask girls what hand they used to wipe after a visit to the toilet. (The only answer that could prevent a barrage of abuse was, "Hand? I use toilet paper, you cunt!") I believe he now works in the Marketing department at Andrex.

​Noel Edmonds has one of those, called Candice. (He fucking does too, you sceptical cunts, look it up if you don't believe me! I'd post a picture but for some reason the site won't let me insert links at present.) Anyway, drifting back topic-wards, Mrs Baws does an excellent impression of an inanimate object during what is laughably described as our lovemaking, but she comes alive fast enough if I "accidentally" call her by her sister's name!

​Down with that sort of thing!

​Not Eddie Izzard, then? They all look the same to me.