Cuntybaws

The fucking twerking was a step too far, though!

Royal aides perform a very necessary function. You surely don't think Prince William can tie his own shoelaces, do you? Or inseminate his wife?

Genuinely one of the worst nights of my life was when "friends" we were visiting took us to a bar where a Sunshine Coach of window lickers were having a karaoke night out. Everyone else was all 'Aww, aren't they clever?' and I had to keep my real thoughts about selective euthanasia firmly to myself. The worst bit was when a couple of Down's syndrome kids did a duet of "Summer Nights". In fairness, the John Travolta part was an uncanny likeness, but it was a very long time before I felt able to crack one out over Olivia Newton John again!

At least Captain Oates had the good grace to follow through on that.

So, a golf nomination?

It would actually make me feel better - and after all, isn't that the only thing that matters? I've fallen in love with you Jigs, but I shouldn't have.

If you're into dirty protests, there's a "Celtic Fans" thread that might benefit from your input..

Get Israel to join the Euro. That'll fuck them over soon enough.

Fire, fire, and more fire. Why change a winning formula?

Now calm down. The best thing we can do is go on with our daily routine.

Now there's a scrabble hand for you!

You worked at a sperm donation clinic?

I beg to differ; unless you're the sort who gets off on pulling wings off flies.

It's the "onto my desk" bit that's got me worried. Did "Sir" get jolly batey?

Horses sweat. Men perspire. Judge glows.

If someone had a solid gold Prince Albert would that make them a cunt? Hypothetically speaking...

Speaking as an apparently-indestructible psychopathic serial killer with a penchant for hockey masks and bladed gloves, I am all in favour of school proms.

Big Jock Knew

A pale shadow of the Chuckle Brothers' archetypal interpretation a few years earlier. At no point did they actually say, "To me, to you" but the entire audience heard it nonetheless. Apparently Dustin Hoffman made 3 separate suicide attempts following its Broadway premiere.

This is a trap, right?

I don't know. Her death as Desdemona at the hands of Jim Davidson's Othello is a moment of dramatic pathos which may never be surpassed.

So, you haven't been in Paris today? OK, if that's your story...

What about those "ships of the desert" then?

Trump's a fucking joke, and anywhere else but America he'd be a complete laughing stock for his total lack of self-awareness and stupid fucking hairstyle. Well, except maybe for North Korea...