Cuntybaws

I fear for him, Quince. Did you ever read "Flowers For Algernon"?

You're very shallow sometimes, Frank.

I presume you mean Ludwig's brother, Paul Wittgenstein, the one armed concert pianist? Who can forget his legendary rendition of the 1812 Overture where he bashed out the finale using his cock.

I hear what you say, but if you were playing Stupid Cunt Top Trumps this is the card you'd want to be holding - the Bugatti Veyron or Lionel Messi of stupid cunts. One down, two to go.

Sounds like the answer, on several fronts, might be a disabled toilet.

I've added "Spongebob Squarepants fan" to your bio. Just a few more clues and Mothra will be able to home in on your exact location.

Hmm, I wonder where Spotto was today?

I hope one of these cunts doesn't jump out of a cake topless!

You'd think fat cunts would be to blame for most such episodes, but in my (thankfully limited) experience it's just as likely to be some scrawny little seven stone shit-weasel generating the brown noise. Is this just a male toilet thing? Perhaps some of our more refined female contributors can share any of their relevant chod bin experiences with us.

I know we say this so often it's lost all meaning, but I'm glad she's dead.

Why did you sit there for ten minutes? Did it take you that long to cum?

They don't make comics like they used to. On a semi-related note, I could just see you as Alf Tupper, pounding down the cobbles of some dismal Northern town, fish and chips in hand.

Wielded by Chung, in "The Wolf of Kabul", originally in Wizard, later Hotspur.

Are you a Spartan? Or perhaps a Trojan? (This would probably be more topical on the condom thread, but fuck it...)

Obviously not. If they let you in, they'll let quite literally any cunt in.

There's a condom joke in there somewhere. Maybe two.

I'd always believed that the fatty-hating, super-sweary catwoman was based in Brighton, but maybe she moved.

That'll be to replace the cherry she lost on VE day. Play your cards right Decs and there's some parchment-dry pussy for you tonight. Can you do an American accent?

Says the woman who has had every chance to tell Helen Lederer and Jenny Eclair just how funny they're not. I'm not saying this can be equated to having a time machine and not killing Hitler, but it sort of can.

I hope you're not another one of those South coast scummers? Only we've already got one of them, and frankly that's already one too many.

I don't know what they take to help pass the long winter nights high in the lonely Nepalese mountains, but I strongly suspect it's a lot more psychoactive than Tennent's Super Lager. One day I might get round to posting a few choice snippets from his old LinkedIn entry for your amusement, suitably depersonalised of course. It got taken down in a hurry when his identity became public, but nothing is ever truly lost on the internet.

I think you've chanced upon Freddy's British Grannies "by mistake" there, and have understandably been confused by the cackling noises they produce at the point of orgasm. He's a professional, that Freddy, you've got to give him that.

Olivia Thirlby can make my head explode any time she likes.

Funny you should mention M*A*S*H. Much as I wish I couldn't, I can just picture old Underpants as Corporal Klinger, only somewhat uglier. As I think we've already established, Caitlyn Jenner is a cunt.

This smacks of active disobedience Quince or, at best, really unfortunate timing. Have you got your baseball to hand?