Cuntybaws

No, it's just me reverse-engineering your browser even as you read this.

You'd be surprised at how archaic some of the HMRC systems are. Or maybe you wouldn't. Cobol 74 and Fortran 77, completely fucking space age (by which I mean, operated by chimps.)

All's fair in love and cyber war.

Their fancy logo might say DVLA, but the BIOS on their interior perimeter gateway still says DVLC. I do love a system with unpatched vulnerabilities.

...and failing that, there's always the motor spares department at Crayford.

I'd do her up the Lady Isabella!

Maybe they think it’s unfair that you get to name the time, the place, and the method of engagement? Perhaps a Latin declension competition on the Ides of March would meet with more success? Or a backgammon tournament, or a calculus bee? I'm quite handy with foil and épée, and although my sabre is the weakest in my repertoire I'm willing to give it a go. Failing that, Stanley knives at dawn?

Nothing so tawdry. As you approach your 1000th post in just six weeks, have a think about the information you've provided, knowingly or unknowingly, deliberately or accidentally. For example, your geographical location; and the car you currently drive, and those you have driven. Some of the information may well be made up bollocks or outright fabrication, but even so, just imagine what a skilled data miner with backdoor access to the DVLC computer might be able to work out from that limited dataset alone. Penelope Garcia is a cunt.

Aled, that is, not Eddie. Although, if the horseshoe fits...

Fucking one-trick pit pony.

Are you sure you're on the right web site? If you're a fat and frumpy 35 year old whose real name is Anna Georgette Gilford, and you parade your corpulent torso wrapped in bacofoil while throwing shapes and rapping badly, like some terrible distaff Tim Westwood wiggress, you sort of deserve everything you get. Or were you talking about the Adlington cunt? (Who, by the way, is equally deserving of our vitriol.) It's hard to keep track of all these tangents.

I'm pretty sure I've seen that video.

You can see why he usually wears the slap and the wig, the fucking conehead cunt. Seriously, what's up with his fucking head? Forget "Drag Race", he should be fronting "When Forceps Deliveries Go Wrong".

It's Princess Anne, surely? Or is it Prince Harry? Some stupid inbred cunt, no doubt. Sadly Ed, it is possible to go too far in the opposite direction as well.

...and a much bigger cock.

I'm assuming there was a memo instructing everyone else to pick on Ding today which those useless fucking admins somehow neglected to send me, but I hate to feel left out so I'm joining in anyway. Sorry Ding, you great fucking cunt you.

If I had a dog that looked like that I'd shoot the cunt.

I get the "four wanks" reference, but what are the other 2 seconds for?

Fucking stupid, fucking fat, fucking ugly, fucking talentless fucking cunt.

And why beholdest thou the stoat that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the bream that is in thine own eye?

I don't like Islam either, because it's a fucking stupid religion. It's close to the edge of my "Religions of the World Spectrum of Stupidity" along with Voodoo, Catholicism, and the Mormons. PS I use a spectrum rather than a list (as with "Horse Faced Cunts" and "Worst Pokémon Ever") because ALL religions are fucking stupid, it's only a matter of relative degree. PPS Fuck off, Bubba.