Ape™️ Posted June 13, 2020 Report Share Posted June 13, 2020 My elderly mother lives in an expensive part of Surrey, in a large house on a road where properties change hands for well over a million. Her immediate neighbours are a retired doctor and a retired British Airways 744 captain. Despite her age she still does a fair bit of work in her large garden, and as a consequence she subscribes to the local council garden waste bin - this costs about £60 a year. She always tries to fill it up on a Thursday night ready for collection Friday morning, and her ex-pilot neighbour kindly puts the bin out for her as her drive is quite long. However, it has now come to light that her kind neighbour has been using her green bin to shove his own garden waste in, because he’s too fucking tight to get his own. The cheeky cunt actually came round last Thursday afternoon and took the bin, without permission, and filled it to the brim. My mum went to put some waste in it and discovered it missing. She made a loud exclamation and the sheepish cunt came round and offered a grovelling apology. Absolute wanker. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miles Posted June 13, 2020 Report Share Posted June 13, 2020 6 minutes ago, Ape™️ said: My elderly mother lives in an expensive part of Surrey, in a large house on a road where properties change hands for well over a million. Her immediate neighbours are a retired doctor and a retired British Airways 744 captain. Despite her age she still does a fair bit of work in her large garden, and as a consequence she subscribes to the local council garden waste bin - this costs about £60 a year. She always tries to fill it up on a Thursday night ready for collection Friday morning, and her ex-pilot neighbour kindly puts the bin out for her as her drive is quite long. However, it has now come to light that her kind neighbour has been using her green bin to shove his own garden waste in, because he’s too fucking tight to get his own. The cheeky cunt actually came round last Thursday afternoon and took the bin, without permission, and filled it to the brim. My mum went to put some waste in it and discovered it missing. She made a loud exclamation and the sheepish cunt came round and offered a grovelling apology. Absolute wanker. I am very sorry to hear this ApeTM. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roadkill Posted June 13, 2020 Report Share Posted June 13, 2020 14 minutes ago, Ape™️ said: My elderly mother lives in an expensive part of Surrey, in a large house on a road where properties change hands for well over a million. Her immediate neighbours are a retired doctor and a retired British Airways 744 captain. Despite her age she still does a fair bit of work in her large garden, and as a consequence she subscribes to the local council garden waste bin - this costs about £60 a year. She always tries to fill it up on a Thursday night ready for collection Friday morning, and her ex-pilot neighbour kindly puts the bin out for her as her drive is quite long. However, it has now come to light that her kind neighbour has been using her green bin to shove his own garden waste in, because he’s too fucking tight to get his own. The cheeky cunt actually came round last Thursday afternoon and took the bin, without permission, and filled it to the brim. My mum went to put some waste in it and discovered it missing. She made a loud exclamation and the sheepish cunt came round and offered a grovelling apology. Absolute wanker. Tell her to leave it all on his fucking doorstep next time. That swear was for your benefit. Its actually really difficult to be outraged on you and your mam's behalf and I can't process the right level of anger. Maybe you could stab him, or would that be too much? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted June 13, 2020 Report Share Posted June 13, 2020 11 minutes ago, Ape™️ said: My elderly mother lives in an expensive part of Surrey, in a large house on a road where properties change hands for well over a million. Her immediate neighbours are a retired doctor and a retired British Airways 744 captain. Despite her age she still does a fair bit of work in her large garden, and as a consequence she subscribes to the local council garden waste bin - this costs about £60 a year. She always tries to fill it up on a Thursday night ready for collection Friday morning, and her ex-pilot neighbour kindly puts the bin out for her as her drive is quite long. However, it has now come to light that her kind neighbour has been using her green bin to shove his own garden waste in, because he’s too fucking tight to get his own. The cheeky cunt actually came round last Thursday afternoon and took the bin, without permission, and filled it to the brim. My mum went to put some waste in it and discovered it missing. She made a loud exclamation and the sheepish cunt came round and offered a grovelling apology. Absolute wanker. Drs are not wealthy. In fact they are on poxy money and deserve a pay rise. You know how I know? Because they don't stop fucking telling me, that's why. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Witheredscrote Posted June 13, 2020 Report Share Posted June 13, 2020 14 minutes ago, Ape™️ said: My elderly mother lives in an expensive part of Surrey, in a large house on a road where properties change hands for well over a million. Her immediate neighbours are a retired doctor and a retired British Airways 744 captain. Despite her age she still does a fair bit of work in her large garden, and as a consequence she subscribes to the local council garden waste bin - this costs about £60 a year. She always tries to fill it up on a Thursday night ready for collection Friday morning, and her ex-pilot neighbour kindly puts the bin out for her as her drive is quite long. However, it has now come to light that her kind neighbour has been using her green bin to shove his own garden waste in, because he’s too fucking tight to get his own. The cheeky cunt actually came round last Thursday afternoon and took the bin, without permission, and filled it to the brim. My mum went to put some waste in it and discovered it missing. She made a loud exclamation and the sheepish cunt came round and offered a grovelling apology. Absolute wanker. Next time you visit her, nip round to her neighbour's garden before sun up, and shit behind one of his trees. You're good at that. Apart from this, I am sure your mother is used to dealing with cunts, as she has endured you since birth. lol 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
White Cunt Posted June 13, 2020 Report Share Posted June 13, 2020 Barbed wire. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miles Posted June 13, 2020 Report Share Posted June 13, 2020 15 minutes ago, White Cunt said: Barbed wire. Are you a fence? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Billy Posted June 13, 2020 Report Share Posted June 13, 2020 1 hour ago, Ape™️ said: My elderly mother lives in an expensive part of Surrey, in a large house on a road where properties change hands for well over a million. Her immediate neighbours are a retired doctor and a retired British Airways 744 captain. Despite her age she still does a fair bit of work in her large garden, and as a consequence she subscribes to the local council garden waste bin - this costs about £60 a year. She always tries to fill it up on a Thursday night ready for collection Friday morning, and her ex-pilot neighbour kindly puts the bin out for her as her drive is quite long. However, it has now come to light that her kind neighbour has been using her green bin to shove his own garden waste in, because he’s too fucking tight to get his own. The cheeky cunt actually came round last Thursday afternoon and took the bin, without permission, and filled it to the brim. My mum went to put some waste in it and discovered it missing. She made a loud exclamation and the sheepish cunt came round and offered a grovelling apology. Absolute wanker. I’m sorry Ape. Sounds like she’s wheely bin through it recently. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Umbongo Posted June 13, 2020 Report Share Posted June 13, 2020 See if you can find out if the the ex pilot has any allergies to things like peanut oil and if so, rub a light film of peanut butter under the handles of the lid after your mother has finished putting her garden waste in. Hey presto, next time you see him he'll be collapsed at the end of your mums driveway, ready buried under 80 litres of rotting garden waste. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Earl of Punkape Posted June 13, 2020 Report Share Posted June 13, 2020 1 hour ago, Ape™️ said: My elderly mother lives in an expensive part of Surrey, in a large house on a road where properties change hands for well over a million. Her immediate neighbours are a retired doctor and a retired British Airways 744 captain. Despite her age she still does a fair bit of work in her large garden, and as a consequence she subscribes to the local council garden waste bin - this costs about £60 a year. She always tries to fill it up on a Thursday night ready for collection Friday morning, and her ex-pilot neighbour kindly puts the bin out for her as her drive is quite long. However, it has now come to light that her kind neighbour has been using her green bin to shove his own garden waste in, because he’s too fucking tight to get his own. The cheeky cunt actually came round last Thursday afternoon and took the bin, without permission, and filled it to the brim. My mum went to put some waste in it and discovered it missing. She made a loud exclamation and the sheepish cunt came round and offered a grovelling apology. Absolute wanker. What desperately tedious drivel. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Cuntman Posted June 13, 2020 Report Share Posted June 13, 2020 I have a pile of garden waste at the end of my garden. I can't get rid of it though, as a hedgehog lives in it. Last night at about 2am, I heard a peculiar coughing sound from outside. I grabbed a torch and went out to investigate, i discovered 2 hedgehogs circling each other, then one jumped on the other one and shagged it. Apparently the coughing noise is the male's mating ritual. Does anyone need a baby hedgehog? Excellent for eliminating slugs and snails. Will swap for weed or hash. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Earl of Punkape Posted June 13, 2020 Report Share Posted June 13, 2020 18 minutes ago, Eric Cuntman said: I have a pile of garden waste at the end of my garden. I can't get rid of it though, as a hedgehog lives in it. Last night at about 2am, I heard a peculiar coughing sound from outside. I grabbed a torch and went out to investigate, i discovered 2 hedgehogs circling each other, then one jumped on the other one and shagged it. Apparently the coughing noise is the male's mating ritual. Does anyone need a baby hedgehog? Excellent for eliminating slugs and snails. Will swap for weed or hash. Try Camberwell pikey for Hedgehog in aspic recipe.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ape™️ Posted June 13, 2020 Author Report Share Posted June 13, 2020 2 hours ago, Roadkill said: Tell her to leave it all on his fucking doorstep next time. That swear was for your benefit. Its actually really difficult to be outraged on you and your mam's behalf and I can't process the right level of anger. Maybe you could stab him, or would that be too much? Stabbing is a distinct possibility, although not the type of stabbing that @Earl of Punkape likes 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ape™️ Posted June 13, 2020 Author Report Share Posted June 13, 2020 3 hours ago, Witheredscrote said: Next time you visit her, nip round to her neighbour's garden before sun up, and shit behind one of his trees. You're good at that. Apart from this, I am sure your mother is used to dealing with cunts, as she has endured you since birth. lol If I could I’d take a shit on you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miles Posted June 14, 2020 Report Share Posted June 14, 2020 4 minutes ago, JohnnySaucePants said: This is just fucking sad. The whole write up i mean. Cunt. Its the best that ApeTM could do Mr Saucepan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted June 14, 2020 Report Share Posted June 14, 2020 On 13/06/2020 at 19:37, Eric Cuntman said: I have a pile of garden waste at the end of my garden. I can't get rid of it though, as a hedgehog lives in it. Last night at about 2am, I heard a peculiar coughing sound from outside. I grabbed a torch and went out to investigate, i discovered 2 hedgehogs circling each other, then one jumped on the other one and shagged it. Apparently the coughing noise is the male's mating ritual. Does anyone need a baby hedgehog? Excellent for eliminating slugs and snails. Will swap for weed or hash. Maybe he had Covids. Better isolate Eric. You could have the chinky flu. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eddie Posted June 15, 2020 Report Share Posted June 15, 2020 On 13/06/2020 at 17:55, Ape™️ said: My elderly mother lives in an expensive part of Surrey, in a large house on a road where properties change hands for well over a million. Her immediate neighbours are a retired doctor and a retired British Airways 744 captain. Despite her age she still does a fair bit of work in her large garden, and as a consequence she subscribes to the local council garden waste bin - this costs about £60 a year. She always tries to fill it up on a Thursday night ready for collection Friday morning, and her ex-pilot neighbour kindly puts the bin out for her as her drive is quite long. However, it has now come to light that her kind neighbour has been using her green bin to shove his own garden waste in, because he’s too fucking tight to get his own. The cheeky cunt actually came round last Thursday afternoon and took the bin, without permission, and filled it to the brim. My mum went to put some waste in it and discovered it missing. She made a loud exclamation and the sheepish cunt came round and offered a grovelling apology. Absolute wanker. Good nom Ape, I will also not pay the council for a additional bin, I hide the garden shit in black bags in with the other rubbish, do you have siblings? If so kill them, then turn off the heating at mothers, you have a nice chunk coming your way when it gets cold.. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Witheredscrote Posted June 15, 2020 Report Share Posted June 15, 2020 9 minutes ago, Eddie said: Good nom Ape, I will also not pay the council for a additional bin, I hide the garden shit in black bags in with the other rubbish, do you have siblings? If so kill them, then turn off the heating at mothers, you have a nice chunk coming your way when it gets cold.. Imagine if Ape got hold of a million. Bigger garden shed, daily delivery of Airfix model planes, crates of Fortnum & Mason baked beans. I hope it happens for him. lol 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miles Posted June 15, 2020 Report Share Posted June 15, 2020 @Ape™️ By elderly do you mean that your mother is in her late 90s and you are about 75? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Cuntman Posted June 16, 2020 Report Share Posted June 16, 2020 7 hours ago, JohnnySaucePants said: Post Removed What the fuck is wrong with you? All of my children are older than me. Reported. You sick fuck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ape™️ Posted June 16, 2020 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2020 On 15/06/2020 at 08:47, Dawn Chorus said: @Ape™️ By elderly do you mean that your mother is in her late 90s and you are about 75? 7 hours ago, JohnnySaucePants said: Post Removed Hilarious. “It” making another failed attempt at being funny, whilst some little league moron makes a derogatory comment about my mother. Two of the worst posters on this site showing just how utterly shite they are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Witheredscrote Posted June 16, 2020 Report Share Posted June 16, 2020 17 minutes ago, Ape™️ said: Hilarious. “It” making another failed attempt at being funny, whilst some little league moron makes a derogatory comment about my mother. Two of the worst posters on this site showing just how utterly shite they are. @Ape™️. I've reported him. No need to thank me, I rather enjoy doing it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Umbongo Posted June 16, 2020 Report Share Posted June 16, 2020 1 hour ago, Ape™️ said: Hilarious. “It” making another failed attempt at being funny, whilst some little league moron makes a derogatory comment about my mother. Two of the worst posters on this site showing just how utterly shite they are. "Hello, hello, what have we here? We'll have no Snowflakes here, this site is a cunting site for cunty people." Fuck off to MumsNet you soft cunt. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miles Posted June 16, 2020 Report Share Posted June 16, 2020 5 minutes ago, Cunty BigBollox said: "Hello, hello, what have we here? We'll have no Snowflakes here, this site is a cunting site for cunty people." Fuck off to MumsNet you soft cunt. Johnny Saucepan did go over the top though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ape™️ Posted June 16, 2020 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2020 2 hours ago, Cunty BigBollox said: "Hello, hello, what have we here? We'll have no Snowflakes here, this site is a cunting site for cunty people." Fuck off to MumsNet you soft cunt. Talking of some of the worst posters on the site, here’s another. Fuck off Drew, you pathetic piece of shit. lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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