The Granular Office

[Last Cunt Standing]

Latest cab off the rank in the world of pseudo-intellectual management speak bollocks is the desire to “understand things at a granular level”. My nephew was over last night shooting the breeze by the pool, and he told me some brylcreemed prick from McKinsey who’s been brought in to streamline a perfectly functional office keeps using this phrase, among all the usual blue sky thinking kite flying cliche bollocks. Is this nauseating verbiage the key skill you learn on an MBA course or what? As the booze flowed we moved on to action we could take to drive the granular cunt out of his corner office. I suggested depositing a hundredweight of builders sand on his desk and stick a magnifying glass out of it like some geeky cocktail umbrella. If any CC members can suggest alternates, Ill be sure to pass them on.

The problem put me in mind of a newspaper piece I read this week where an older fella was bemoaning the fact younger workers are so meek and terrified that they never act in the face of provocation. He sees young waiters never once tempted to tip the soup over the invariably angry Boomer customer making his life hell, and young lickspittles so imbibed with The Apprentice school of sycophancy that “shove your job up your arse” is beyond them. Prior to my stethoscope years I told a couple of bosses in summer jobs to go fuck themselves, and a weeks earnings lost is well worth a lifetime of smiling reminiscence wondering if Bill ever got the smell of milk out of the carpet in his new Jag. 

What is the world coming too if we are all so terrified we can’t call some red-braced mongoloid a cunt? I’m glad my nephew is taking action, he might well get promoted. 

[Guest N/A]

55 minutes ago, Last Cunt Standing said:

Latest cab off the rank in the world of pseudo-intellectual management speak bollocks is the desire to “understand things at a granular level”. My nephew was over last night shooting the breeze by the pool, and he told me some brylcreemed prick from McKinsey who’s been brought in to streamline a perfectly functional office keeps using this phrase, among all the usual blue sky thinking kite flying cliche bollocks. Is this nauseating verbiage the key skill you learn on an MBA course or what? As the booze flowed we moved on to action we could take to drive the granular cunt out of his corner office. I suggested depositing a hundredweight of builders sand on his desk and stick a magnifying glass out of it like some geeky cocktail umbrella. If any CC members can suggest alternates, Ill be sure to pass them on.

The problem put me in mind of a newspaper piece I read this week where an older fella was bemoaning the fact younger workers are so meek and terrified that they never act in the face of provocation. He sees young waiters never once tempted to tip the soup over the invariably angry Boomer customer making his life hell, and young lickspittles so imbibed with The Apprentice school of sycophancy that “shove your job up your arse” is beyond them. Prior to my stethoscope years I told a couple of bosses in summer jobs to go fuck themselves, and a weeks earnings lost is well worth a lifetime of smiling reminiscence wondering if Bill ever got the smell of milk out of the carpet in his new Jag. 

What is the world coming too if we are all so terrified we can’t call some red-braced mongoloid a cunt? I’m glad my nephew is taking action, he might well get promoted. 

Simply squat at the dick heads desk...or work station...what ever they fucking call where the cunt generally sits......and leave a massive swirl of a shit on his desk.  It generally gets the message over that he is not liked.   Being a millenialist, he will probably go home and self harm to the point where he might have the bollox to do the best thing of his miserable life.....die.

[Eric Cuntman]

1 hour ago, Last Cunt Standing said:

Latest cab off the rank in the world of pseudo-intellectual management speak bollocks is the desire to “understand things at a granular level”. My nephew was over last night shooting the breeze by the pool, and he told me some brylcreemed prick from McKinsey who’s been brought in to streamline a perfectly functional office keeps using this phrase, among all the usual blue sky thinking kite flying cliche bollocks. Is this nauseating verbiage the key skill you learn on an MBA course or what? As the booze flowed we moved on to action we could take to drive the granular cunt out of his corner office. I suggested depositing a hundredweight of builders sand on his desk and stick a magnifying glass out of it like some geeky cocktail umbrella. If any CC members can suggest alternates, Ill be sure to pass them on.

The problem put me in mind of a newspaper piece I read this week where an older fella was bemoaning the fact younger workers are so meek and terrified that they never act in the face of provocation. He sees young waiters never once tempted to tip the soup over the invariably angry Boomer customer making his life hell, and young lickspittles so imbibed with The Apprentice school of sycophancy that “shove your job up your arse” is beyond them. Prior to my stethoscope years I told a couple of bosses in summer jobs to go fuck themselves, and a weeks earnings lost is well worth a lifetime of smiling reminiscence wondering if Bill ever got the smell of milk out of the carpet in his new Jag. 

What is the world coming too if we are all so terrified we can’t call some red-braced mongoloid a cunt? I’m glad my nephew is taking action, he might well get promoted. 

Years ago, I worked at a cooked meat processing plant. I was required to log and sign off the activities of some cunts who were fitting soap and sanitiser dispensers. I naturally described the days activities as... 

'Installation of soap and sanitiser dispensers, complete in all changing areas'.

The cunts in the office scribbled this out and replaced it with...

'Dual function hygiene system implemented across staff areas and critical control point access thresholds'

 

I wouldn't have minded if it was for an EFSIS or BRC compliance form, but it was a fucking time sheet for the cunts who'd screwed them to the walls! Self important poseur cunts.

Edited March 7, 2020 by Eric Cuntman
Yes Roops. I know what HACCP is.

[Guest judgetwi]

This long winded pile of shit might have been helped if you didn’t use phrases like “shooting the breeze” and “brylcreemed prick”. Does Brylcreem actually exist these days? I have no idea but I know a contradiction  when I see one.

[Last Cunt Standing]

5 hours ago, judgetwi said:

This long winded pile of shit might have been helped if you didn’t use phrases like “shooting the breeze” and “brylcreemed prick”. Does Brylcreem actually exist these days? I have no idea but I know a contradiction  when I see one.

Well indeed. Like “working class Tory”. You’d know more about that particular contortion than I would Judith. I hope you’ve charged up the Mobility scooter and ordered in extra tinfoil for the hats you’ll need in weeks to come. Blubber mountains like your good self will I’m sure be high on the list for a ventilator when the anaesthetist meets you off the ambulance. I just hope to God he’s Polish or Latvian. You’ll be straight off to the fridge for a final sing a long of Land of Hope and Glory. 

I imagine the car park at the John Radcliffe will soon be like arrivals at Birkenau. Hoards of confused elderly coughing up their guts being directed left and right by the thumb of a white-coated selection officer. Time to brush up on those essential skills.

[camberwell gypsy]

12 hours ago, Last Cunt Standing said:

Latest cab off the rank in the world of pseudo-intellectual management speak bollocks is the desire to “understand things at a granular level”. My nephew was over last night shooting the breeze by the pool, and he told me some brylcreemed prick from McKinsey who’s been brought in to streamline a perfectly functional office keeps using this phrase, among all the usual blue sky thinking kite flying cliche bollocks. Is this nauseating verbiage the key skill you learn on an MBA course or what? As the booze flowed we moved on to action we could take to drive the granular cunt out of his corner office. I suggested depositing a hundredweight of builders sand on his desk and stick a magnifying glass out of it like some geeky cocktail umbrella. If any CC members can suggest alternates, Ill be sure to pass them on.

The problem put me in mind of a newspaper piece I read this week where an older fella was bemoaning the fact younger workers are so meek and terrified that they never act in the face of provocation. He sees young waiters never once tempted to tip the soup over the invariably angry Boomer customer making his life hell, and young lickspittles so imbibed with The Apprentice school of sycophancy that “shove your job up your arse” is beyond them. Prior to my stethoscope years I told a couple of bosses in summer jobs to go fuck themselves, and a weeks earnings lost is well worth a lifetime of smiling reminiscence wondering if Bill ever got the smell of milk out of the carpet in his new Jag. 

What is the world coming too if we are all so terrified we can’t call some red-braced mongoloid a cunt? I’m glad my nephew is taking action, he might well get promoted. 

I'd use the 'Michael Nesmith' method. When a record company executive told the Monkees that they had to record with them, he punched a hole in the office wall and said "That could have been your face, motherfucker" and stormed out. 

Be advised to make sure the wall isn't solid brick before hand though. 

[Dave Umbongo]

Find out what time this prick from McKinsey goes to take a shit. Before he gets in the trap remove the toilet roll, unravel some length and randomly apply Pritt Stick glue in various areas before throwing any granular material on it, the sharper the better, sand, sugar, glass, iron filings etc.. that'll teach the cunt to understand the meaning of granular when he's letting more blood than a bakers dozen of periods from a haemophiliac lesbian out of his arsehole., or you could just sprinkle lots of sugar between the gaps in his keyboard.

[Guest judgetwi]

On 07/03/2020 at 06:31, Last Cunt Standing said:

Well indeed. Like “working class Tory”. You’d know more about that particular contortion than I would Judith. I hope you’ve charged up the Mobility scooter and ordered in extra tinfoil for the hats you’ll need in weeks to come. Blubber mountains like your good self will I’m sure be high on the list for a ventilator when the anaesthetist meets you off the ambulance. I just hope to God he’s Polish or Latvian. You’ll be straight off to the fridge for a final sing a long of Land of Hope and Glory. 

I imagine the car park at the John Radcliffe will soon be like arrivals at Birkenau. Hoards of confused elderly coughing up their guts being directed left and right by the thumb of a white-coated selection officer. Time to brush up on those essential skills.

Bertie cries..........a nation laughs. 😁😆😀🤣🤣😂

[Last Cunt Standing]

The profanisaurus of workplace nonsense has more entries, my nephew informs me. The rather obvious “new normal” is something of a given, but having tasks described as “right in your wheelhouse” is right up there in the league table of Brentology. Apparently it’s a modern version of “right up your alley”, but presumably the vague nautical feel to the latest buzzphrase is designed to inspire notions of braided Naval Heroes venturing forth to new Worlds and firing cannon at the enemy. Or perhaps hints that the red braced idiot using it spends his weekends at Cowes or Chichester, without inviting open mockery for the use of boat shoes and a knotted shoulder jersey round the office on Fridays. Whatever the demonic etymology, I say it’s utter bollocks and yet more evidence of the triumph of style over content. I bet Dominic Cuntings uses it from his wheelhouse, the wanker. 

[Dave Umbongo]

Wind the cunt up with clear sellotape. stick a small piece either over the earpiece or the mouth piece (never both) of his desk phone. next time the cunt is on the phone watch the action and smile as he will either think he is going deaf or he starts shouting like a fucking banshee just  to make himself heard. Completely harmless.

Or try smearing chocolate spread under the handles to his desk drawers for an immediate, more dramatic effect.