scotty Posted August 29, 2017 Report Share Posted August 29, 2017 So, the neighbours swan off to Cornwall for a week. Fair enough, but they ask me to "keep an eye" on his 93 year old mother, his wifes 87 year old mother and also her 92 year old aunt. Two days in, I take the aunts shopping round to her flat. She's wolfing down her lunch, watched by two paramedics. She's had a fall, but is refusing to be admitted to hospital. Later that day I get a call from the warden, she's had a second fall and is now in the hospital awaiting a hip replacement. Two more days and I get another call, this time from the mother in laws care home. She's just died, so can I please locate the relevant paperwork and notify the family. I should point out that the dead one was in palliative care for cancer already and the broken hip one is wheelchair bound having had a stroke last year, so I'm shirking most of the blame here. But lets face it, it's not looking too promising for the remaining one. With my current batting average I reckon she'll be dead by thursday, if she lasts that long; I've promised to take her Radio Times round there tomorrow, so stand by for further developments. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted August 29, 2017 Report Share Posted August 29, 2017 Scotty, you soft fucking cunt! There is a magical word in our magnificent language that prevents us from getting into these predicaments....it's a simple and small word, but a powerful one......when asked such a huge favour, you just say "NO!" Has the dead one at least been put on ice? She'll stink the whole fucking place up! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ratcum Posted August 29, 2017 Report Share Posted August 29, 2017 6 minutes ago, scotty said: So, the neighbours swan off to Cornwall for a week. Fair enough, but they ask me to "keep an eye" on his 93 year old mother, his wifes 87 year old mother and also her 92 year old aunt. Two days in, I take the aunts shopping round to her flat. She's wolfing down her lunch, watched by two paramedics. She's had a fall, but is refusing to be admitted to hospital. Later that day I get a call from the warden, she's had a second fall and is now in the hospital awaiting a hip replacement. Two more days and I get another call, this time from the mother in laws care home. She's just died, so can I please locate the relevant paperwork and notify the family. I should point out that the dead one was in palliative care for cancer already and the broken hip one is wheelchair bound having had a stroke last year, so I'm shirking most of the blame here. But lets face it, it's not looking too promising for the remaining one. With my current batting average I reckon she'll be dead by thursday, if she lasts that long; I've promised to take her Radio Times round there tomorrow, so stand by for further developments. Who are you then, Josef Mengele or something? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted August 29, 2017 Author Report Share Posted August 29, 2017 4 minutes ago, Wizardsleeve said: Scotty, you soft fucking cunt! There is a magical word in our magnificent language that prevents us from getting into these predicaments....it's a simple and small word, but a powerful one......when asked such a huge favour, you just say "NO!" Has the dead one at least been put on ice? She'll stink the whole fucking place up! I owe them a few too many favours for that, Wiz. And the dead one's been taken away by the funeral director so I guess shes in their fridge. (at least, he said he was a funeral director.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Drew P Pissflaps Posted August 29, 2017 Report Share Posted August 29, 2017 You are Harold Shipmans locum and I claim my 10 Pesatas Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted August 29, 2017 Report Share Posted August 29, 2017 6 minutes ago, scotty said: I owe them a few too many favours for that, Wiz. And the dead one's been taken away by the funeral director so I guess shes in their fridge. (at least, he said he was a funeral director.) I don't know what the world is coming to when somebody actually calls in a past favour! What ever happened to the days when you could say "I owe you one," and then be able to fuck off without consequence? I'd say your neighbour is a top shelf cunt for having the audacity to do such a thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tata Steely Dan Posted August 29, 2017 Report Share Posted August 29, 2017 19 minutes ago, Drew P Pissflaps said: You are Harold Shipmans locum and I claim my 10 Pesatas A plague of locums. Old gimmers in bad physical nick are going to die on you. It is a fact of life. I would rather learn about it while away on holiday, rather than all that 'hold their hand for the last time' pish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stubby Pecker Posted August 29, 2017 Report Share Posted August 29, 2017 57 minutes ago, scotty said: So, the neighbours swan off to Cornwall for a week. Fair enough, but they ask me to "keep an eye" on his 93 year old mother, his wifes 87 year old mother and also her 92 year old aunt. Two days in, I take the aunts shopping round to her flat. She's wolfing down her lunch, watched by two paramedics. She's had a fall, but is refusing to be admitted to hospital. Later that day I get a call from the warden, she's had a second fall and is now in the hospital awaiting a hip replacement. Two more days and I get another call, this time from the mother in laws care home. She's just died, so can I please locate the relevant paperwork and notify the family. I should point out that the dead one was in palliative care for cancer already and the broken hip one is wheelchair bound having had a stroke last year, so I'm shirking most of the blame here. But lets face it, it's not looking too promising for the remaining one. With my current batting average I reckon she'll be dead by thursday, if she lasts that long; I've promised to take her Radio Times round there tomorrow, so stand by for further developments. Christ on a crutch, this can't have been you who said yes to this "what could possibly go wrong" request? I'm guessing your missus has dropped you right in the shit. No amount of borrowing your neighbours mower is worth that nightmare! Bet you get fuck all in the will... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Cuntman Posted August 29, 2017 Report Share Posted August 29, 2017 1 hour ago, scotty said: So, the neighbours swan off to Cornwall for a week. Fair enough, but they ask me to "keep an eye" on his 93 year old mother, his wifes 87 year old mother and also her 92 year old aunt. Two days in, I take the aunts shopping round to her flat. She's wolfing down her lunch, watched by two paramedics. She's had a fall, but is refusing to be admitted to hospital. Later that day I get a call from the warden, she's had a second fall and is now in the hospital awaiting a hip replacement. Two more days and I get another call, this time from the mother in laws care home. She's just died, so can I please locate the relevant paperwork and notify the family. I should point out that the dead one was in palliative care for cancer already and the broken hip one is wheelchair bound having had a stroke last year, so I'm shirking most of the blame here. But lets face it, it's not looking too promising for the remaining one. With my current batting average I reckon she'll be dead by thursday, if she lasts that long; I've promised to take her Radio Times round there tomorrow, so stand by for further developments. Scotty, is your life secretly being controlled by the cunts who wrote the scripts for Victor Meldrew? You should check your freezer to make sure your neighbours pet rabbit hasn't snuck in there for a kip. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted August 29, 2017 Report Share Posted August 29, 2017 1 hour ago, scotty said: So, the neighbours swan off to Cornwall for a week. Fair enough, but they ask me to "keep an eye" on his 93 year old mother, his wifes 87 year old mother and also her 92 year old aunt. Two days in, I take the aunts shopping round to her flat. She's wolfing down her lunch, watched by two paramedics. She's had a fall, but is refusing to be admitted to hospital. Later that day I get a call from the warden, she's had a second fall and is now in the hospital awaiting a hip replacement. Two more days and I get another call, this time from the mother in laws care home. She's just died, so can I please locate the relevant paperwork and notify the family. I should point out that the dead one was in palliative care for cancer already and the broken hip one is wheelchair bound having had a stroke last year, so I'm shirking most of the blame here. But lets face it, it's not looking too promising for the remaining one. With my current batting average I reckon she'll be dead by thursday, if she lasts that long; I've promised to take her Radio Times round there tomorrow, so stand by for further developments. Dr Shipman I presume? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ollyboro Posted August 30, 2017 Report Share Posted August 30, 2017 3 hours ago, scotty said: So, the neighbours swan off to Cornwall for a week. Fair enough, but they ask me to "keep an eye" on his 93 year old mother, his wifes 87 year old mother and also her 92 year old aunt. Two days in, I take the aunts shopping round to her flat. She's wolfing down her lunch, watched by two paramedics. She's had a fall, but is refusing to be admitted to hospital. Later that day I get a call from the warden, she's had a second fall and is now in the hospital awaiting a hip replacement. Two more days and I get another call, this time from the mother in laws care home. She's just died, so can I please locate the relevant paperwork and notify the family. I should point out that the dead one was in palliative care for cancer already and the broken hip one is wheelchair bound having had a stroke last year, so I'm shirking most of the blame here. But lets face it, it's not looking too promising for the remaining one. With my current batting average I reckon she'll be dead by thursday, if she lasts that long; I've promised to take her Radio Times round there tomorrow, so stand by for further developments. Surely this is a plot from Columbo? Scotty, you daft cunt, you've been set up. And another thing, clearly your neighbours have booked into a hotel, in Cornwall. Hired a couple of actors to swan about said hotel - PRETENDING TO BE YOUR NEIGHBOURS- whilst your actual neighbours nip back to Southampton and kill their own cancerous relatives. Jack fucking Cassidy's behind this, Scotty lad, mark my fucking words. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neil Posted August 30, 2017 Report Share Posted August 30, 2017 Could have been worse,They could have asked to look after their dogs,fucking shitting all over your lawn and stinking your house out.Hairy,smelly,slobbering dirty shit cunts Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted August 30, 2017 Report Share Posted August 30, 2017 On several occasions I've offered to look after my neighbours' twin teenage daughters, but the ungrateful cunts keep taking them with them when they go. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bill Stickers Posted August 30, 2017 Report Share Posted August 30, 2017 The only way this shambles could get any funnier is if it all turned out to be a figment of Scotty's imagination, and he's actually on his deathbed, the last synapses of his brain haphazardly firing out this chain of events as he moves towards the light. Fuck, even I'd be happy to be an illusion of his mind, along with the entire corner, if it meant the cunt is on the way out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted August 30, 2017 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2017 6 hours ago, Bill Stickers said: The only way this shambles could get any funnier is if it all turned out to be a figment of Scotty's imagination, and he's actually on his deathbed, the last synapses of his brain haphazardly firing out this chain of events as he moves towards the light. Fuck, even I'd be happy to be an illusion of his mind, along with the entire corner, if it meant the cunt is on the way out. I'm still breathing bill, but thanks for the kind wishes. At least I'll outlive the corpse on legs known as frank. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Snatch Posted August 30, 2017 Report Share Posted August 30, 2017 36 minutes ago, scotty said: I'm still breathing bill, but thanks for the kind wishes. At least I'll outlive the corpse on legs known as frank. Don't listen to Stickers,he's a nothing idiot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bill Stickers Posted August 30, 2017 Report Share Posted August 30, 2017 19 minutes ago, Snatch said: Don't listen to Stickers,he's a nothing idiot. That's rich coming from Snitch "No Noms" Snatch! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Snatch Posted August 30, 2017 Report Share Posted August 30, 2017 48 minutes ago, Bill Stickers said: That's rich coming from Snitch "No Noms" Snatch! We've been through this no nom stuff before. Go back through your drivel so you don't repeat yourself again, bar the normal "bedsit dwelling,no mates,your finished here, rattled" dross you normally come out with. There is no point nomming anything anyway. It will only turn into the every day shite that happens on every thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Last Cunt Standing Posted August 30, 2017 Report Share Posted August 30, 2017 18 hours ago, scotty said: So, the neighbours swan off to Cornwall for a week. Fair enough, but they ask me to "keep an eye" on his 93 year old mother, his wifes 87 year old mother and also her 92 year old aunt. Two days in, I take the aunts shopping round to her flat. She's wolfing down her lunch, watched by two paramedics. She's had a fall, but is refusing to be admitted to hospital. Later that day I get a call from the warden, she's had a second fall and is now in the hospital awaiting a hip replacement. Two more days and I get another call, this time from the mother in laws care home. She's just died, so can I please locate the relevant paperwork and notify the family. I should point out that the dead one was in palliative care for cancer already and the broken hip one is wheelchair bound having had a stroke last year, so I'm shirking most of the blame here. But lets face it, it's not looking too promising for the remaining one. With my current batting average I reckon she'll be dead by thursday, if she lasts that long; I've promised to take her Radio Times round there tomorrow, so stand by for further developments. Just bury her in the garden and tell the neighbours you thought she was a gold fish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bill Stickers Posted August 30, 2017 Report Share Posted August 30, 2017 58 minutes ago, Snatch said: We've been through this no nom stuff before. Go back through your drivel so you don't repeat yourself again, bar the normal "bedsit dwelling,no mates,your finished here, rattled" dross you normally come out with. There is no point nomming anything anyway. It will only turn into the every day shite that happens on every thread. I think everyone's in agreement it's best if you never nominate anything, ever. It's one of the only views everybody on the corner shares. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Witheredscrote Posted August 30, 2017 Report Share Posted August 30, 2017 16 minutes ago, Bill Stickers said: I think everyone's in agreement it's best if you never nominate anything, ever. It's one of the only views everybody on the corner shares. I've never been on your side Bill, you are a cunt. This time however, I must say that you are still talking bollocks, so fuck off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Decimus Posted August 30, 2017 Report Share Posted August 30, 2017 4 minutes ago, Witheredscrote said: I've never been on your side Bill, you are a cunt. This time however, I must say that you are still talking bollocks, so fuck off. Withers, we're reaching a point where you and I are going to have to have words. Take a breath, concentrate and think for at least a full minute before posting, you're tapping out absolute fucking shite at an alarming rate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Snatch Posted August 30, 2017 Report Share Posted August 30, 2017 24 minutes ago, Bill Stickers said: I think everyone's in agreement it's best if you never nominate anything, ever. It's one of the only views everybody on the corner shares. It was so much better here even you were in the cooler. That view was shared by everyone as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bill Stickers Posted August 30, 2017 Report Share Posted August 30, 2017 56 minutes ago, Snatch said: It was so much better here even you were in the cooler. That view was shared by everyone as well. Haha! You cry baby cunt. Fuck off to the mocking shop then you utter belter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roadkill Posted August 30, 2017 Report Share Posted August 30, 2017 4 minutes ago, Bill Stickers said: Haha! You cry baby cunt. Fuck off to the mocking shop then you utter belter. Belter? What does that mean in this context? It's chav for "good" up here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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