Jiggerycock Posted June 26, 2017 Report Share Posted June 26, 2017 "......and we can confirm something we confirmed five minutes ago. We're going over now, live, to a talking head who will tell us it's too early to speculate on the cause of this gore festival (which we're secretly hoping will be a real Brehvik job and not some wimpy Finsbury Park Mosque non-event), but who will speculate like the blazes (ha!) about the cause. ....and than we can confirm the confirmed. That a surprisingly low number of casualties (for the outright lies that we've been told by eyewitnesses we're too lazy to interrogate properly, in our rush to heroically abnegate all editorial control and responsibilities) are dead. We hope to have footage of a grief-stricken relative calling for calm in the wake of this tragedy (NB never anyone getting angry and calling for retribution).....followed by a confirmation of the number of dead in yet another pointless offering to the great God of remorseless, dull facts in place of informed comment". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alfie Noakes Posted June 26, 2017 Report Share Posted June 26, 2017 Erm, how about watching something else? Just saying. News feeds are meant to be dropped in on once in a while, surely? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest 'eavensabove Posted June 26, 2017 Report Share Posted June 26, 2017 Be it the Rolling News or The Rolling Stones, It is all doom & gloom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hokey Gingers Posted June 28, 2017 Report Share Posted June 28, 2017 Controller : " For Christ`s sake people do something, everyone is watching the oppo !!" Cameraman " Don`t worry Boss , i`ve a man bag full of kiddies shoes and pacifiers...." Controller: " Sweet. Remember, only the crying hysterical punters , play our cards right and it`s a fucking BAFTA " 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ollyboro Posted June 28, 2017 Report Share Posted June 28, 2017 Current rolling news update: 3 pack of King Size Zig-Zag papers only £1 at Bargain fucking Madness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest N/A Posted June 30, 2017 Report Share Posted June 30, 2017 On 26/06/2017 at 4:39 PM, Jiggerycock said: "......and we can confirm something we confirmed five minutes ago. We're going over now, live, to a talking head who will tell us it's too early to speculate on the cause of this gore festival (which we're secretly hoping will be a real Brehvik job and not some wimpy Finsbury Park Mosque non-event), but who will speculate like the blazes (ha!) about the cause. ....and than we can confirm the confirmed. That a surprisingly low number of casualties (for the outright lies that we've been told by eyewitnesses we're too lazy to interrogate properly, in our rush to heroically abnegate all editorial control and responsibilities) are dead. We hope to have footage of a grief-stricken relative calling for calm in the wake of this tragedy (NB never anyone getting angry and calling for retribution).....followed by a confirmation of the number of dead in yet another pointless offering to the great God of remorseless, dull facts in place of informed comment". And it's over to the old anchor man who now gets to stand outside the event in the cold dark night because the event is so big it demands the entire news to be read from the bomb, shooting, death, rioting, crash site. It's over to a provincial news reporter making her name this evening asking inane questions to verbally inept survivors, witnesses, fakers who weren't even there but want sympathy, to get on telly, compensation. Let's look at a chart of the death toll. Now back to the studio for the rest of the news which is dwarfed into insignificance on such a day. Prince Phillip has aids, Michael Jackson has been seen in Tokyo he says he left America because he really was a fucking peodo perv and so faked his death, aliens have landed. On midlands today we review why the canals have two Asda trolies in them.. why so many people die in hospitals and why A local parish council have put in a planning objection to proposed new plans for an alien landing pad in a site of outstanding natural beauty....if there is such a thing in fucking Wolverhampton? Back to Huw Edwards at the event..... Huw. Thank you, now today's events are amoungs the most horrific and devastating events since the last events only weeks earlier that we have now forgotten about and don't report on unless Water aid or feed the children pressure the liberalist BBC to give them free advertising in a ...what's it like now in Ethiopia 30years on......after they have spunked a billion £ pounds on tanks and guns for big black cunts to wave around and shoot each other...rather than the food we all thought we were giving to charity. Once the feeding frenzy of reports has expired that's it, no one ever reports on it again. Only the McCanns buck that trend....and that's because she is a filthy sort and looks good on telly. Now let's flick over the channel to BBC 24 news which breaks all events down into simple streaming text of just a few words like....... Aliens have landed... reports coming in that a space ship has landed in Bromsgrove. Followed immediately by ... UKIP ...Nigel Farage wants all aliens to be banned from getting housing benefits no matter how far they have come. Then a video of Diane Abbot...saying the aliens must have travelled 83 miles, no 83,000 miles...no 83 billion miles. Finally we leave you tonight with images of the event and those poor unfortunate people who have been affected, clutching at your heart string by showing a teen age girl, usually overweight, greasy hair tide up, being comforted by her step dad most probably, as she grieves some loss. In the interests of balance a muzza usually says something about peace and understanding and short fat women in wraps from head to toe wail and whine at the loss of their shit sons who are fucking their way thru 40 brown virgins, if they could find the rest of their dick. Now it's over to the weather, where ever you are.... good night. Weather girl....Its bank holiday, so it's going to fuck it down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Snatch Posted June 30, 2017 Report Share Posted June 30, 2017 3 hours ago, Monumental cunt said: And it's over to the old anchor man who now gets to stand outside the event in the cold dark night because the event is so big it demands the entire news to be read from the bomb, shooting, death, rioting, crash site. It's over to a provincial news reporter making her name this evening asking inane questions to verbally inept survivors, witnesses, fakers who weren't even there but want sympathy, to get on telly, compensation. Let's look at a chart of the death toll. Now back to the studio for the rest of the news which is dwarfed into insignificance on such a day. Prince Phillip has aids, Michael Jackson has been seen in Tokyo he says he left America because he really was a fucking peodo perv and so faked his death, aliens have landed. On midlands today we review why the canals have two Asda trolies in them.. why so many people die in hospitals and why A local parish council have put in a planning objection to proposed new plans for an alien landing pad in a site of outstanding natural beauty....if there is such a thing in fucking Wolverhampton? Back to Huw Edwards at the event..... Huw. Thank you, now today's events are amoungs the most horrific and devastating events since the last events only weeks earlier that we have now forgotten about and don't report on unless Water aid or feed the children pressure the liberalist BBC to give them free advertising in a ...what's it like now in Ethiopia 30years on......after they have spunked a billion £ pounds on tanks and guns for big black cunts to wave around and shoot each other...rather than the food we all thought we were giving to charity. Once the feeding frenzy of reports has expired that's it, no one ever reports on it again. Only the McCanns buck that trend....and that's because she is a filthy sort and looks good on telly. Now let's flick over the channel to BBC 24 news which breaks all events down into simple streaming text of just a few words like....... Aliens have landed... reports coming in that a space ship has landed in Bromsgrove. Followed immediately by ... UKIP ...Nigel Farage wants all aliens to be banned from getting housing benefits no matter how far they have come. Then a video of Diane Abbot...saying the aliens must have travelled 83 miles, no 83,000 miles...no 83 billion miles. Finally we leave you tonight with images of the event and those poor unfortunate people who have been affected, clutching at your heart string by showing a teen age girl, usually overweight, greasy hair tide up, being comforted by her step dad most probably, as she grieves some loss. In the interests of balance a muzza usually says something about peace and understanding and short fat women in wraps from head to toe wail and whine at the loss of their shit sons who are fucking their way thru 40 brown virgins, if they could find the rest of their dick. Now it's over to the weather, where ever you are.... good night. Weather girl....Its bank holiday, so it's going to fuck it down. All of that will be second rate news if Beckham had a shit in his toilet, in the privacy of his own home with the door shut. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nobgobbler Posted June 30, 2017 Report Share Posted June 30, 2017 6 hours ago, Monumental cunt said: And it's over to the old anchor man who now gets to stand outside the event in the cold dark night because the event is so big it demands the entire news to be read from the bomb, shooting, death, rioting, crash site. It's over to a provincial news reporter making her name this evening asking inane questions to verbally inept survivors, witnesses, fakers who weren't even there but want sympathy, to get on telly, compensation. Let's look at a chart of the death toll. Now back to the studio for the rest of the news which is dwarfed into insignificance on such a day. Prince Phillip has aids, Michael Jackson has been seen in Tokyo he says he left America because he really was a fucking peodo perv and so faked his death, aliens have landed. On midlands today we review why the canals have two Asda trolies in them.. why so many people die in hospitals and why A local parish council have put in a planning objection to proposed new plans for an alien landing pad in a site of outstanding natural beauty....if there is such a thing in fucking Wolverhampton? Back to Huw Edwards at the event..... Huw. Thank you, now today's events are amoungs the most horrific and devastating events since the last events only weeks earlier that we have now forgotten about and don't report on unless Water aid or feed the children pressure the liberalist BBC to give them free advertising in a ...what's it like now in Ethiopia 30years on......after they have spunked a billion £ pounds on tanks and guns for big black cunts to wave around and shoot each other...rather than the food we all thought we were giving to charity. Once the feeding frenzy of reports has expired that's it, no one ever reports on it again. Only the McCanns buck that trend....and that's because she is a filthy sort and looks good on telly. Now let's flick over the channel to BBC 24 news which breaks all events down into simple streaming text of just a few words like....... Aliens have landed... reports coming in that a space ship has landed in Bromsgrove. Followed immediately by ... UKIP ...Nigel Farage wants all aliens to be banned from getting housing benefits no matter how far they have come. Then a video of Diane Abbot...saying the aliens must have travelled 83 miles, no 83,000 miles...no 83 billion miles. Finally we leave you tonight with images of the event and those poor unfortunate people who have been affected, clutching at your heart string by showing a teen age girl, usually overweight, greasy hair tide up, being comforted by her step dad most probably, as she grieves some loss. In the interests of balance a muzza usually says something about peace and understanding and short fat women in wraps from head to toe wail and whine at the loss of their shit sons who are fucking their way thru 40 brown virgins, if they could find the rest of their dick. Now it's over to the weather, where ever you are.... good night. Weather girl....Its bank holiday, so it's going to fuck it down. I'd normally offer a short version of such a long comment, however on this occasion you've got me beat. Baws? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted June 30, 2017 Report Share Posted June 30, 2017 14 minutes ago, nobgobbler said: I'd normally offer a short version of such a long comment, however on this occasion you've got me beat. Baws? I heartily recommend you listen to "Cast of Thousands" by The Adverts. Just one choice snippet below: "Political intrigue, hospital cases, British weapons to foreign places, Earthquake, flood, bodies in the mud, Poison clouds, a cast of thousands." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest 'eavensabove Posted June 30, 2017 Report Share Posted June 30, 2017 The Rolly Poly News Update: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted June 30, 2017 Report Share Posted June 30, 2017 9 hours ago, Monumental cunt said: And it's over to the old anchor man who now gets to stand outside the event in the cold dark night because the event is so big it demands the entire news to be read from the bomb, shooting, death, rioting, crash site. It's over to a provincial news reporter making her name this evening asking inane questions to verbally inept survivors, witnesses, fakers who weren't even there but want sympathy, to get on telly, compensation. Let's look at a chart of the death toll. Now back to the studio for the rest of the news which is dwarfed into insignificance on such a day. Prince Phillip has aids, Michael Jackson has been seen in Tokyo he says he left America because he really was a fucking peodo perv and so faked his death, aliens have landed. On midlands today we review why the canals have two Asda trolies in them.. why so many people die in hospitals and why A local parish council have put in a planning objection to proposed new plans for an alien landing pad in a site of outstanding natural beauty....if there is such a thing in fucking Wolverhampton? Back to Huw Edwards at the event..... Huw. Thank you, now today's events are amoungs the most horrific and devastating events since the last events only weeks earlier that we have now forgotten about and don't report on unless Water aid or feed the children pressure the liberalist BBC to give them free advertising in a ...what's it like now in Ethiopia 30years on......after they have spunked a billion £ pounds on tanks and guns for big black cunts to wave around and shoot each other...rather than the food we all thought we were giving to charity. Once the feeding frenzy of reports has expired that's it, no one ever reports on it again. Only the McCanns buck that trend....and that's because she is a filthy sort and looks good on telly. Now let's flick over the channel to BBC 24 news which breaks all events down into simple streaming text of just a few words like....... Aliens have landed... reports coming in that a space ship has landed in Bromsgrove. Followed immediately by ... UKIP ...Nigel Farage wants all aliens to be banned from getting housing benefits no matter how far they have come. Then a video of Diane Abbot...saying the aliens must have travelled 83 miles, no 83,000 miles...no 83 billion miles. Finally we leave you tonight with images of the event and those poor unfortunate people who have been affected, clutching at your heart string by showing a teen age girl, usually overweight, greasy hair tide up, being comforted by her step dad most probably, as she grieves some loss. In the interests of balance a muzza usually says something about peace and understanding and short fat women in wraps from head to toe wail and whine at the loss of their shit sons who are fucking their way thru 40 brown virgins, if they could find the rest of their dick. Now it's over to the weather, where ever you are.... good night. Weather girl....Its bank holiday, so it's going to fuck it down. I thought Noddy Holder was the only thing of outstanding natural beauty in Wolverhampton Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nobgobbler Posted June 30, 2017 Report Share Posted June 30, 2017 3 hours ago, Cuntybaws said: I heartily recommend you listen to "Cast of Thousands" by The Adverts. Just one choice snippet below: "Political intrigue, hospital cases, British weapons to foreign places, Earthquake, flood, bodies in the mud, Poison clouds, a cast of thousands." You've just handed the entire media their coats! Job done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev Posted June 30, 2017 Report Share Posted June 30, 2017 Fuck, I used to like the Adverts a very fucking long time ago. Still have Gary Gilmour's Eyes and Television's Over on picture cover vinyl somewhere. Although that said, TV Smith is still a cunt and in keeping true to my philosophy, I want him dead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bill Stickers Posted June 30, 2017 Report Share Posted June 30, 2017 12 hours ago, Monumental cunt said: And it's over to the old anchor man who now gets to stand outside the event in the cold dark night because the event is so big it demands the entire news to be read from the bomb, shooting, death, rioting, crash site. It's over to a provincial news reporter making her name this evening asking inane questions to verbally inept survivors, witnesses, fakers who weren't even there but want sympathy, to get on telly, compensation. Let's look at a chart of the death toll. Now back to the studio for the rest of the news which is dwarfed into insignificance on such a day. Prince Phillip has aids, Michael Jackson has been seen in Tokyo he says he left America because he really was a fucking peodo perv and so faked his death, aliens have landed. On midlands today we review why the canals have two Asda trolies in them.. why so many people die in hospitals and why A local parish council have put in a planning objection to proposed new plans for an alien landing pad in a site of outstanding natural beauty....if there is such a thing in fucking Wolverhampton? Back to Huw Edwards at the event..... Huw. Thank you, now today's events are amoungs the most horrific and devastating events since the last events only weeks earlier that we have now forgotten about and don't report on unless Water aid or feed the children pressure the liberalist BBC to give them free advertising in a ...what's it like now in Ethiopia 30years on......after they have spunked a billion £ pounds on tanks and guns for big black cunts to wave around and shoot each other...rather than the food we all thought we were giving to charity. Once the feeding frenzy of reports has expired that's it, no one ever reports on it again. Only the McCanns buck that trend....and that's because she is a filthy sort and looks good on telly. Now let's flick over the channel to BBC 24 news which breaks all events down into simple streaming text of just a few words like....... Aliens have landed... reports coming in that a space ship has landed in Bromsgrove. Followed immediately by ... UKIP ...Nigel Farage wants all aliens to be banned from getting housing benefits no matter how far they have come. Then a video of Diane Abbot...saying the aliens must have travelled 83 miles, no 83,000 miles...no 83 billion miles. Finally we leave you tonight with images of the event and those poor unfortunate people who have been affected, clutching at your heart string by showing a teen age girl, usually overweight, greasy hair tide up, being comforted by her step dad most probably, as she grieves some loss. In the interests of balance a muzza usually says something about peace and understanding and short fat women in wraps from head to toe wail and whine at the loss of their shit sons who are fucking their way thru 40 brown virgins, if they could find the rest of their dick. Now it's over to the weather, where ever you are.... good night. Weather girl....Its bank holiday, so it's going to fuck it down. Jesus fucking Christ. An ellipsis is not a substitute for a paragraph break, and shit is not a substitute for brains. If you watch too much rolling news you end up like Snatch, perpetually in fear that a homosexual immigrant jihadi is going to enforce sharia law on his council house, dress him in a burka and make him suck sweaty Arab balls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest 'eavensabove Posted June 30, 2017 Report Share Posted June 30, 2017 Just now, Bill Stickers said: Jesus fucking Christ. An ellipsis is not a substitute for a paragraph break, and shit is not a substitute for brains. If you watch too much rolling news you end up like Snatch, perpetually in fear that a homosexual immigrant jihadi is going to enforce sharia law on his council house, dress him in a burka and make him suck sweaty Arab balls. You've been there and done it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest 'eavensabove Posted June 30, 2017 Report Share Posted June 30, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bill Stickers Posted June 30, 2017 Report Share Posted June 30, 2017 Your second post is a marked improvement. Do shut up Jazz. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest 'eavensabove Posted June 30, 2017 Report Share Posted June 30, 2017 3 minutes ago, Bill Stickers said: Your second post is a marked improvement. Do shut up Jazz. This is YOUR improvement, dick for brains. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted June 30, 2017 Report Share Posted June 30, 2017 2 hours ago, Rev said: Fuck, I used to like the Adverts a very fucking long time ago. Still have Gary Gilmour's Eyes and Television's Over on picture cover vinyl somewhere. Although that said, TV Smith is still a cunt and in keeping true to my philosophy, I want him dead. I seem to recall we did the whole "would you / wouldn't you" thing about Gaye Advert a few years back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nocti Posted June 30, 2017 Report Share Posted June 30, 2017 3 minutes ago, Cuntybaws said: I seem to recall we did the whole "would you / wouldn't you" thing about Gaye Advert a few years back. This was before my time, but colour me intrigued Bawsy, what was your answer? Also, are we talking back in her heyday, or now? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted June 30, 2017 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2017 1 hour ago, nocti said: This was before my time, but colour me intrigued Bawsy, what was your answer? Also, are we talking back in her heyday, or now? Let's take a ride down the 'Female Punk Rockers I'd Like To Have Shagged (subsection: In their heydays) turnpike Debbie Harry (Obviously) Ari Up Eve Libertine Siouxsie Sioux Beki Bondage ..... ..... (fresh air) Poly Styrene Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stubby Pecker Posted June 30, 2017 Report Share Posted June 30, 2017 1 hour ago, Bill Stickers said: Jesus fucking Christ. An ellipsis is not a substitute for a paragraph break, and shit is not a substitute for brains. If you watch too much rolling news you end up like Snatch, perpetually in fear that a homosexual immigrant jihadi is going to enforce sharia law on his council house, dress him in a burka and make him suck sweaty Arab balls. You must understand billy boy, MC is thicker than 10 very thick planks of wood nailed together, which is incidentally what I'd like to do to him: nail him to a plank, shortly before a nice bonfire. However, he's got the brains of a rocket scientist when compared to welsh_cunt. You two should get on well, you'll have much to discuss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stubby Pecker Posted June 30, 2017 Report Share Posted June 30, 2017 14 minutes ago, Jiggerycock said: Let's take a ride down the 'Female Punk Rockers I'd Like To Have Shagged (subsection: In their heydays) turnpike Debbie Harry (Obviously) Ari Up Eve Libertine Siouxsie Sioux Beki Bondage ..... ..... (fresh air) Poly Styrene Theo Kogan, formerly of the Lunachicks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted June 30, 2017 Report Share Posted June 30, 2017 1 hour ago, Jiggerycock said: Let's take a ride down the 'Female Punk Rockers I'd Like To Have Shagged (subsection: In their heydays) turnpike Ari Up... All of The Slits, although in finest post-punk ironic fashion I'd only have done them up the arse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest 'eavensabove Posted June 30, 2017 Report Share Posted June 30, 2017 Just now, Cuntybaws said: All of The Slits, although in finest post-punk ironic fashion I'd only have done them up the arse. Ha! Out of Slits. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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