Ape™️ Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 So, off out for a mid week run I go, and after a good start, the feeling begins. A tightness in the stomach and a pressure in the arse, pulsing on every foot fall. The continual pounding action gradually pile driving a large quantity of turd towards the exit, compacting it to almost black hole density. 4 miles from home now and this turd wants out. I stop running, hoping that walking will reduce the back pressure, but no, it's reached critical mass and must come out. I'm in a residential area and there is no place to find cover, and now the turtles head is peeking out, and I'm really getting close to shitting myself. It's dark thankfully, so when a large fir tree appears in view, albeit in some poor cunts front garden, I dart in behind it and release about 4 pounds of steaming turd in literally seconds. I have to use grass to wipe my arse, which was far from ideal. I felt bad for the poor cunt whose garden I shat in, but I had no choice. I walked home. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stubby Pecker Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 5 minutes ago, Ape said: So, off out for a mid week run I go, and after a good start, the feeling begins. A tightness in the stomach and a pressure in the arse, pulsing on every foot fall. The continual pounding action gradually pile driving a large quantity of turd towards the exit, compacting it to almost black hole density. 4 miles from home now and this turd wants out. I stop running, hoping that walking will reduce the back pressure, but no, it's reached critical mass and must come out. I'm in a residential area and there is no place to find cover, and now the turtles head is peeking out, and I'm really getting close to shitting myself. It's dark thankfully, so when a large fir tree appears in view, albeit in some poor cunts front garden, I dart in behind it and release about 4 pounds of steaming turd in literally seconds. I have to use grass to wipe my arse, which was far from ideal. I felt bad for the poor cunt whose garden I shat in, but I had no choice. I walked home. I feel your pain, I've had to take many a 'wild one' mid run, I even started carrying some bog roll just in case. I ALWAYS make sure I empty the bomb bay now, but luckily living in the middle of fucking nowhere, there's always a hedge to jump over. This also adds a healthy dose of fertiliser to the farmers field, so if you find a brown cornflake, that'll be me. It's when the farts start popping out on ever footfall you got to worry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Manky Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 Running? Sounds a bit gay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nocti Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 At the risk of sounding like a yacht-owning toffee-nosed ponce cunt; am I the only one on this site that shits in a toilet? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wolfie Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 On 01/03/2017 at 21:46, Ape said: So, off out for a mid week run I go, and after a good start, the feeling begins. A tightness in the stomach and a pressure in the arse, pulsing on every foot fall. The continual pounding action gradually pile driving a large quantity of turd towards the exit, compacting it to almost black hole density. 4 miles from home now and this turd wants out. I stop running, hoping that walking will reduce the back pressure, but no, it's reached critical mass and must come out. I'm in a residential area and there is no place to find cover, and now the turtles head is peeking out, and I'm really getting close to shitting myself. It's dark thankfully, so when a large fir tree appears in view, albeit in some poor cunts front garden, I dart in behind it and release about 4 pounds of steaming turd in literally seconds. I have to use grass to wipe my arse, which was far from ideal. I felt bad for the poor cunt whose garden I shat in, but I had no choice. I walked home. Disgusting, I'd have called the police. Sounds like a job for Special Branch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stubby Pecker Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 3 minutes ago, Manky said: Running? Sounds a bit gay. Beats ridding a my little pony bike with stabilisers. I would spit on you as a cruised past on my sleek and sexy carbon machine. I would, however, never visit your scally invested moss side shit hole for fear of being stabbed because I'm a human being and not a mutant northern Apealoid like yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nobgobbler Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 You shat in somebody's garden and wiped your arse on gyppo's grass skirt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rick_B Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 42 minutes ago, Ape said: So, off out for a mid week run I go, and after a good start, the feeling begins. A tightness in the stomach and a pressure in the arse, pulsing on every foot fall. The continual pounding action gradually pile driving a large quantity of turd towards the exit, compacting it to almost black hole density. 4 miles from home now and this turd wants out. I stop running, hoping that walking will reduce the back pressure, but no, it's reached critical mass and must come out. I'm in a residential area and there is no place to find cover, and now the turtles head is peeking out, and I'm really getting close to shitting myself. It's dark thankfully, so when a large fir tree appears in view, albeit in some poor cunts front garden, I dart in behind it and release about 4 pounds of steaming turd in literally seconds. I have to use grass to wipe my arse, which was far from ideal. I felt bad for the poor cunt whose garden I shat in, but I had no choice. I walked home. You are Paula Radcliffe and I claim my five pounds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wolfie Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 13 minutes ago, nobgobbler said: You shat in somebody's garden and wiped your arse on gyppo's grass skirt. Her Lithuanian maid, Ana, will sort it. She doesn't complain. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ape™️ Posted March 1, 2017 Author Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 24 minutes ago, nocti said: At the risk of sounding like a yacht-owning toffee-nosed ponce cunt; am I the only one on this site that shits in a toilet? Well, we all know where Quincy prefers to shit, don't we? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DingTheRioja Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 1 hour ago, Ape said: So, off out for a mid week run I go, and after a good start, the feeling begins. A tightness in the stomach and a pressure in the arse, pulsing on every foot fall. The continual pounding action gradually pile driving a large quantity of turd towards the exit, compacting it to almost black hole density. 4 miles from home now and this turd wants out. I stop running, hoping that walking will reduce the back pressure, but no, it's reached critical mass and must come out. I'm in a residential area and there is no place to find cover, and now the turtles head is peeking out, and I'm really getting close to shitting myself. It's dark thankfully, so when a large fir tree appears in view, albeit in some poor cunts front garden, I dart in behind it and release about 4 pounds of steaming turd in literally seconds. I have to use grass to wipe my arse, which was far from ideal. I felt bad for the poor cunt whose garden I shat in, but I had no choice. I walked home. Moss is apparently better than bog roll... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Cuntman Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 1 hour ago, Ape said: So, off out for a mid week run I go, and after a good start, the feeling begins. A tightness in the stomach and a pressure in the arse, pulsing on every foot fall. The continual pounding action gradually pile driving a large quantity of turd towards the exit, compacting it to almost black hole density. 4 miles from home now and this turd wants out. I stop running, hoping that walking will reduce the back pressure, but no, it's reached critical mass and must come out. I'm in a residential area and there is no place to find cover, and now the turtles head is peeking out, and I'm really getting close to shitting myself. It's dark thankfully, so when a large fir tree appears in view, albeit in some poor cunts front garden, I dart in behind it and release about 4 pounds of steaming turd in literally seconds. I have to use grass to wipe my arse, which was far from ideal. I felt bad for the poor cunt whose garden I shat in, but I had no choice. I walked home. Did you jump over the fence to access the garden? This would make you a 'Turdler'. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Gong Farmer Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 When out for a run, when you've got to go, you've got to go. Shitting in public is a runners prerogative. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted March 2, 2017 Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 2 hours ago, Ape said: Well, we all know where Quincy prefers to shit, don't we? In the woods? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted March 2, 2017 Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 7 hours ago, Gong Farmer said: When out for a run, when you've got to go, you've got to go. Shitting in public is a runners prerogative. Just as letting the dogs out at just the right moment is the homeowner's. Nothing quite like the look on some trespassing cunts face when the see four large pit bulls closing the distance on them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nobgobbler Posted March 2, 2017 Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 Did you use a poop scoop? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted March 2, 2017 Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 10 hours ago, DingTheRioja said: Moss is apparently better than bog roll... Never use a slice of Warburtons Country Style bloomer though. I did once and snagged my hoop on a pumpkin seed. Smarted like all get out, I can tell you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nocti Posted March 2, 2017 Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 1 minute ago, Jiggerycock said: Never use a slice of Warburtons Country Style bloomer though. I did once and snagged my hoop on a pumpkin seed. Smarted like all get out, I can tell you Supermarket own brand bog roll is a no-go too, unless you fancy a rather vigorous impromptu prostate check. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DingTheRioja Posted March 2, 2017 Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 27 minutes ago, nocti said: Supermarket own brand bog roll is a no-go too, unless you fancy a rather vigorous impromptu prostate check. I think a few sheets of 80 grit is probably more comfortable Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Snatch Posted March 2, 2017 Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 30 minutes ago, nocti said: Supermarket own brand bog roll is a no-go too, unless you fancy a rather vigorous impromptu prostate check. Could explain Punkers fascination with Tesco. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Piston Posted March 2, 2017 Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 13 hours ago, Ape said: So, off out for a mid week run I go, and after a good start, the feeling begins. A tightness in the stomach and a pressure in the arse, pulsing on every foot fall. The continual pounding action gradually pile driving a large quantity of turd towards the exit, compacting it to almost black hole density. 4 miles from home now and this turd wants out. I stop running, hoping that walking will reduce the back pressure, but no, it's reached critical mass and must come out. I'm in a residential area and there is no place to find cover, and now the turtles head is peeking out, and I'm really getting close to shitting myself. It's dark thankfully, so when a large fir tree appears in view, albeit in some poor cunts front garden, I dart in behind it and release about 4 pounds of steaming turd in literally seconds. I have to use grass to wipe my arse, which was far from ideal. I felt bad for the poor cunt whose garden I shat in, but I had no choice. I walked home. Not as bad as I fucking felt when my Flymo found it! Talk about the shit hitting the fan... Have asked admin for your address. The slurry sprayer is organised and waiting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest I know that Cunt Posted March 2, 2017 Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 22 hours ago, Ape said: So, off out for a mid week run I go, and after a good start, the feeling begins. A tightness in the stomach and a pressure in the arse, pulsing on every foot fall. The continual pounding action gradually pile driving a large quantity of turd towards the exit, compacting it to almost black hole density. 4 miles from home now and this turd wants out. I stop running, hoping that walking will reduce the back pressure, but no, it's reached critical mass and must come out. I'm in a residential area and there is no place to find cover, and now the turtles head is peeking out, and I'm really getting close to shitting myself. It's dark thankfully, so when a large fir tree appears in view, albeit in some poor cunts front garden, I dart in behind it and release about 4 pounds of steaming turd in literally seconds. I have to use grass to wipe my arse, which was far from ideal. I felt bad for the poor cunt whose garden I shat in, but I had no choice. I walked home. That was the best part of you gone then you fucking bag of shite. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ape™️ Posted March 2, 2017 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 Just now, I know that Cunt said: That was the best part of you gone then you fucking bag of shite. Silence, idiot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Welsh_cunt Posted March 3, 2017 Report Share Posted March 3, 2017 On 01/03/2017 at 9:46 PM, Ape said: So, off out for a mid week run I go, and after a good start, the feeling begins. A tightness in the stomach and a pressure in the arse, pulsing on every foot fall. The continual pounding action gradually pile driving a large quantity of turd towards the exit, compacting it to almost black hole density. 4 miles from home now and this turd wants out. I stop running, hoping that walking will reduce the back pressure, but no, it's reached critical mass and must come out. I'm in a residential area and there is no place to find cover, and now the turtles head is peeking out, and I'm really getting close to shitting myself. It's dark thankfully, so when a large fir tree appears in view, albeit in some poor cunts front garden, I dart in behind it and release about 4 pounds of steaming turd in literally seconds. I have to use grass to wipe my arse, which was far from ideal. I felt bad for the poor cunt whose garden I shat in, but I had no choice. I walked home. You have to use your socks in a situation like this. I don't think they'd do a DNA test on your socks to track you down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wolfie Posted March 3, 2017 Report Share Posted March 3, 2017 5 minutes ago, Welsh_cunt said: You have to use your socks in a situation like this. I don't think they'd do a DNA test on your socks to track you down. Why would this affect you, seeing as you'd only put them back on again? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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