Decimus Posted August 12, 2016 Report Share Posted August 12, 2016 I was in the middle of taking a dump in the toilet at work this morning, when out of blue, the door to the cubicle next to me crashed open with extreme violence and shook the entire plastic edifice surrounding me. Whoever or whatever it was next to me, then proceeded to heavily pant like some sort of wild animal in the midday heat of the African savannah. For ten terrifying minutes, the beast inhaled and exhaled with such force, that I could almost feel its hot, fetid breath on the back of my exposed arse cheeks. I'm not sure if it was emitting some sort of low level ultrasound, but it filled me with a terrible sense of existential dread that lasted right up until I had pulled up my trousers and exited the toilet toute suite without bothering to wash my hands. Truly one of the most petrifying experiences of my entire life. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted August 12, 2016 Report Share Posted August 12, 2016 Why did you sit there for ten minutes? Did it take you that long to cum? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Decimus Posted August 12, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 12, 2016 31 minutes ago, Cuntybaws said: Why did you sit there for ten minutes? Did it take you that long to cum? I was in there for ten minutes before as well. If I'm shitting on the clock, I take my sweet time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Earl of Punkape Posted August 12, 2016 Report Share Posted August 12, 2016 39 minutes ago, Decimus said: I was in the middle of taking a dump in the toilet at work this morning, when out of blue, the door to the cubicle next to me crashed open with extreme violence and shook the entire plastic edifice surrounding me. Whoever or whatever it was next to me, then proceeded to heavily pant like some sort of wild animal in the midday heat of the African savannah. For ten terrifying minutes, the beast inhaled and exhaled with such force, that I could almost feel its hot, fetid breath on the back of my exposed arse cheeks. I'm not sure if it was emitting some sort of low level ultrasound, but it filled me with a terrible sense of existential dread that lasted right up until I had pulled up my trousers and exited the toilet toute suite without bothering to wash my hands. Truly one of the most petrifying experiences of my entire life. In reality you were cruising in the toilets at Kings Cross having eaten the wrong type of mushroom.... lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Decimus Posted August 12, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 12, 2016 8 minutes ago, Punkape said: In reality you were cruising in the toilets at Kings Cross having eaten the wrong type of mushroom.... lol. The only type of mushroom that you've ever chowed down on is the button mushroom bellend of your "partner's" cock. Lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted August 12, 2016 Report Share Posted August 12, 2016 1 hour ago, Decimus said: I was in the middle of taking a dump in the toilet at work this morning, when out of blue, the door to the cubicle next to me crashed open with extreme violence and shook the entire plastic edifice surrounding me. Whoever or whatever it was next to me, then proceeded to heavily pant like some sort of wild animal in the midday heat of the African savannah. For ten terrifying minutes, the beast inhaled and exhaled with such force, that I could almost feel its hot, fetid breath on the back of my exposed arse cheeks. I'm not sure if it was emitting some sort of low level ultrasound, but it filled me with a terrible sense of existential dread that lasted right up until I had pulled up my trousers and exited the toilet toute suite without bothering to wash my hands. Truly one of the most petrifying experiences of my entire life. ...and that, your honour, is how our office contracted Norovirus. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted August 12, 2016 Report Share Posted August 12, 2016 You'd think fat cunts would be to blame for most such episodes, but in my (thankfully limited) experience it's just as likely to be some scrawny little seven stone shit-weasel generating the brown noise. Is this just a male toilet thing? Perhaps some of our more refined female contributors can share any of their relevant chod bin experiences with us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alfie Noakes Posted August 12, 2016 Report Share Posted August 12, 2016 Forget the heavy breathing, I am usually just glad to make it to the porcelain in time. Then the screaming and shouting begins as the roids begin their revenge for their lardarse owner sitting on them all day. Alfienoakes'sarseisknackered Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Decimus Posted August 12, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 12, 2016 16 minutes ago, Cuntybaws said: You'd think fat cunts would be to blame for most such episodes, but in my (thankfully limited) experience it's just as likely to be some scrawny little seven stone shit-weasel generating the brown noise. Whatever this was, it was fucking big. Huge size 13's splayed and showing under both sides of the cubicle. Every wipe it made resulted in a massive arm hammering into the plastic side of the shithouse. I thought the fucking thing was going to come down on my head. The scariest part of it was that there was no grunting, no groaning, just a terrifyingly rhythmic heavy pant. We're gonna need a bigger shitter... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted August 12, 2016 Report Share Posted August 12, 2016 3 minutes ago, Decimus said: Whatever this was, it was fucking big. Huge size 13's splayed and showing under both sides of the cubicle. Every wipe it made resulted in a massive arm hammering into the plastic side of the shithouse. Hmm, I wonder where Spotto was today? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted August 12, 2016 Report Share Posted August 12, 2016 5 hours ago, Decimus said: I was in the middle of taking a dump in the toilet at work this morning, when out of blue, the door to the cubicle next to me crashed open with extreme violence and shook the entire plastic edifice surrounding me. Whoever or whatever it was next to me, then proceeded to heavily pant like some sort of wild animal in the midday heat of the African savannah. For ten terrifying minutes, the beast inhaled and exhaled with such force, that I could almost feel its hot, fetid breath on the back of my exposed arse cheeks. I'm not sure if it was emitting some sort of low level ultrasound, but it filled me with a terrible sense of existential dread that lasted right up until I had pulled up my trousers and exited the toilet toute suite without bothering to wash my hands. Truly one of the most petrifying experiences of my entire life. Did you manage to crack one out or did you have to go back later? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted August 12, 2016 Report Share Posted August 12, 2016 5 hours ago, Cuntybaws said: Why did you sit there for ten minutes? Did it take you that long to cum? Decimus is too posh to come. He 'arrives'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted August 12, 2016 Report Share Posted August 12, 2016 9 minutes ago, Decimus said: We're gonna need a bigger shitter... Sounds like the answer, on several fronts, might be a disabled toilet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Drew P Pissflaps Posted August 12, 2016 Report Share Posted August 12, 2016 9 minutes ago, Cuntybaws said: Sounds like the answer, on several fronts, might be a disabled toilet. I wholeheartedly agree for Tenmus but I'm still undecided for his colleague. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Decimus Posted August 12, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 12, 2016 16 minutes ago, camberwell gypsy said: Decimus is too posh to come. He 'arrives'. Every single one of my ejaculations have been announced in Tatler magazine. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Decimus Posted August 12, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 12, 2016 21 minutes ago, Drew P Pissflaps said: I wholeheartedly agree for Tenmus That would have actually been genuinely funny if you spelt it correctly. As it stands, anyone without a medical background is not going to know what the fuck you are on about, you bald, basement dwelling bastard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Manky Posted August 12, 2016 Report Share Posted August 12, 2016 25 minutes ago, Decimus said: That would have actually been genuinely funny if you spelt it correctly. As it stands, anyone without a medical background is not going to know what the fuck you are on about, you bald, basement dwelling bastard. I don't have a medical degree but I can tell when Droopy is calling you a spazmo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted August 12, 2016 Report Share Posted August 12, 2016 1 hour ago, Decimus said: Every single one of my ejaculations have been announced in Tatler magazine. ....in the Obituaries Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nobgobbler Posted August 12, 2016 Report Share Posted August 12, 2016 3 hours ago, Cuntybaws said: Hmm, I wonder where Spotto was today? I blame it on his breakfast of champions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nobgobbler Posted August 12, 2016 Report Share Posted August 12, 2016 4 hours ago, Cuntybaws said: You'd think fat cunts would be to blame for most such episodes, but in my (thankfully limited) experience it's just as likely to be some scrawny little seven stone shit-weasel generating the brown noise. Is this just a male toilet thing? Perhaps some of our more refined female contributors can share any of their relevant chod bin experiences with us. I can assure you it is just a male thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ratcum Posted August 12, 2016 Report Share Posted August 12, 2016 2 hours ago, nobgobbler said: I blame it on his breakfast of champions. I blame it on his breakfast of tampons gobbo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ratcum Posted August 12, 2016 Report Share Posted August 12, 2016 5 hours ago, Decimus said: Every single one of my ejaculations have been announced in Tatler magazine. Just the London Gazette for me Deco. I once dreamt I was sent in to widen Princess Margaret's cervix with a chainsaw though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nobgobbler Posted August 13, 2016 Report Share Posted August 13, 2016 8 hours ago, mothra said: I blame it on his breakfast of tampons gobbo. oh dear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nocti Posted August 13, 2016 Report Share Posted August 13, 2016 19 hours ago, Decimus said: I was in there for ten minutes before as well. If I'm shitting on the clock, I take my sweet time. This is a fine, fair point. If I'm growing a tail during work hours, I most certainly make sure it's done at a leisurely pace. The minutes have to at the very least hit double figures before I tap the ash off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Quincy Cockfingers Posted August 13, 2016 Report Share Posted August 13, 2016 20 hours ago, Decimus said: I was in there for ten minutes before as well. If I'm shitting on the clock, I take my sweet time. I'm not sure that's an adequate explanation. 10 minutes eh? You are looking like a bit of a bent toilet listening cunt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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