The Beast Posted October 23, 2016 Report Share Posted October 23, 2016 Women at parties are like car parking spaces. When you turn up, all the decent ones are taken, so when nobody is looking you stick it in a disabled one. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted October 24, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2016 I've just renamed my WiFi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02". That should keep my neighbours on their toes for a while. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Beast Posted October 24, 2016 Report Share Posted October 24, 2016 My wife says that she will no longer have sex with me on religious grounds. She says she is jewish and I am a pig. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted October 24, 2016 Report Share Posted October 24, 2016 I can always tell by her shoes whether I'm going to fuck a woman or not. If she's in 4" heels, I'm definitely going to fuck her. If she's in comfy running shoes, I probably won't be able to catch her. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DingTheRioja Posted October 25, 2016 Report Share Posted October 25, 2016 On 24/10/2016 at 10:19 AM, scotty said: I've just renamed my WiFi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02". That should keep my neighbours on their toes for a while. I'm just going to log into my router.. brb... JSA Sanctions Northern - Vehicle #2a Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted October 29, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2016 My mate Leroy died, and I was invited to his funeral. Wanting to be respectful, I had my dark suit and black tie pressed and set off for the Episcopal Church. His family were furious and wouldn't let me in. One of them even threw a punch at me. With hindsight, perhaps my ghetto blaster was a bit too loud, and maybe I shouldn't have blacked up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Quincy Cockfingers Posted October 29, 2016 Report Share Posted October 29, 2016 The allied troops never did enter Basra- it was almost completely sheeeeeite. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eddie Posted October 29, 2016 Report Share Posted October 29, 2016 5 hours ago, scotty said: My mate Leroy died, and I was invited to his funeral. Wanting to be respectful, I had my dark suit and black tie pressed and set off for the Episcopal Church. His family were furious and wouldn't let me in. One of them even threw a punch at me. With hindsight, perhaps my ghetto blaster was a bit too loud, and maybe I shouldn't have blacked up. Reported... for being the most awful ' joke' I've ever had the misfortune of reading. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted October 29, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2016 9 hours ago, Eddie said: Reported... for being the most awful ' joke' I've ever had the misfortune of reading. Feel free to add some better ones, eddie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted October 29, 2016 Report Share Posted October 29, 2016 I was fucking my new gf up the arse when she suddenly asked me why I am so good at it. I told it has taken years of practice. She replied "bit of a player in your day then?" "No, I was in prison." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eddie Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 8 hours ago, scotty said: Feel free to add some better ones, eddie. I do scotty but they are taken down just because they are racist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Quincy Cockfingers Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 1 hour ago, Eddie said: I do scotty but they are taken down just because they are racist. Never mind that. Did you ever manage to pork that lying spiritualist bint? Has she anything planned for tomorrow night? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eddie Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 18 minutes ago, Quincy Cockfingers said: Never mind that. Did you ever manage to pork that lying spiritualist bint? Has she anything planned for tomorrow night? Work in progress with the silly mare. Anyway what the fuck are you doing up and about at this early hour? , feeling bright and breezy without the guilt of your drug frenzy sat night must be a new experience. Good for you, Bill will be rough this morning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Earl of Punkape Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 4 minutes ago, Eddie said: Work in progress with the silly mare. Anyway what the fuck are you doing up and about at this early hour? , feeling bright and breezy without the guilt of your drug frenzy sat night must be a new experience. Good for you, Bill will be rough this morning. I'm on my way to Church shortly. I'm going to pray for a Trump win in the USA. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eddie Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 Just now, Punkape said: I'm on my way to Church shortly. I'm going to pray for a Trump win in the USA. Well done punk, he is God's preferred candidate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Quincy Cockfingers Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 43 minutes ago, Eddie said: Work in progress with the silly mare. Anyway what the fuck are you doing up and about at this early hour? , feeling bright and breezy without the guilt of your drug frenzy sat night must be a new experience. Good for you, Bill will be rough this morning. If I were you, I would stage a seance, and contrive to have her dead grandmother advise her to suck your dick. In truth, I have about 2 or 3 drug dabblings per annum, when the right people come together from far afield and my brats are firmly placed with in laws so there is zero shit to deal with the day after. Aside from that, the cunts have me up at the crack of dawn every fucking day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Quincy Cockfingers Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 54 minutes ago, Punkape said: I'm on my way to Church shortly. I'm going to pray for a Trump win in the USA. You're barking up the wrong tree punkers. I'm afraid there's a specific circle of Dis reserved for bummers like you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eddie Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 38 minutes ago, Quincy Cockfingers said: If I were you, I would stage a seance, and contrive to have her dead grandmother advise her to suck your dick. In truth, I have about 2 or 3 drug dabblings per annum, when the right people come together from far afield and my brats are firmly placed with in laws so there is zero shit to deal with the day after. Aside from that, the cunts have me up at the crack of dawn every fucking day. I've used the old physic trick before, I met a clients boss a bit worse for wear in a pub. She worked for a tv production company. Got talking about paranormal tv shows and I let slip I was a clarevouent at Eltham spiritualist church. I told her I can make things move without touching them. She was having none of it until I bet her 10 quid I could make her tits move up and down without touching them. She agreed so I grabbed both of them, had a good squeeze and payed up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Quincy Cockfingers Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 4 minutes ago, Eddie said: I've used the old physic trick before, I met a clients boss a bit worse for wear in a pub. She worked for a tv production company. Got talking about paranormal tv shows and I let slip I was a clarevouent at Eltham spiritualist church. I told her I can make things move without touching them. She was having none of it until I bet her 10 quid I could make her tits move up and down without touching them. She agreed so I grabbed both of them, had a good squeeze and payed up. You spoon bending cunt. It sounds contractually sound though, and she has no legal recourse whatever. We have the invitation to treat clearly described by you in plain English, a verbal acquiescence witnessed by several 3rd parties, and you made good on your compensation offer. As I see it, if anything, you could reclaim your tenner on the grounds that you were steaming and therefore declare the contract null, on grounds of diminished responsibility. Further, I advise you to aver you were taken advantage of, and demand equivalent restitution in the form of ten pounds from her, with 8% interest running, plus legal expenses. If you give slags like this an inch, they'll fucking walk all over you. Don't be a doormat Eddie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eddie Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 26 minutes ago, Quincy Cockfingers said: You spoon bending cunt. It sounds contractually sound though, and she has no legal recourse whatever. We have the invitation to treat clearly described by you in plain English, a verbal acquiescence witnessed by several 3rd parties, and you made good on your compensation offer. As I see it, if anything, you could reclaim your tenner on the grounds that you were steaming and therefore declare the contract null, on grounds of diminished responsibility. Further, I advise you to aver you were taken advantage of, and demand equivalent restitution in the form of ten pounds from her, with 8% interest running, plus legal expenses. If you give slags like this an inch, they'll fucking walk all over you. Don't be a doormat Eddie. Best tenner I ever spent, those puppies were massive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 Mobile phones are like kids. If you can't find yours after a couple days, it's probably dead. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Quincy Cockfingers Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 1 hour ago, Eddie said: Best tenner I ever spent, those puppies were massive. Go and get your tenner back, you soft cunt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ratcum Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 39 minutes ago, Bubba C said: Mobile phones are like kids. If you can't find yours after a couple days, it's probably dead. I wish I'd said that Bubbly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Quincy Cockfingers Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 7 hours ago, Punkape said: I'm on my way to Church shortly. I'm going to pray for a Trump win in the USA. Pinky, I'm sorry, but ass worship is not really true religious worship, no matter how enthusiastic you are. However, as Catholicism is fairly bumming-centric, you're certainly in the right place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Earl of Punkape Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 1 hour ago, Quincy Cockfingers said: Pinky, I'm sorry, but ass worship is not really true religious worship, no matter how enthusiastic you are. However, as Catholicism is fairly bumming-centric, you're certainly in the right place. Heathen spastic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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