scotty Posted July 7, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 Last christmas, my neighbours kid built a beautiful little snowman in their front garden. Just for a laugh, I kidnapped him and shoved him in the freezer to preserve him. Then I kicked his fucking snowman to bits on their lawn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 7, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 I'm not saying I'm a pervert. But when I asked my girlfriend to switch the light off while we were having sex, she said "why? Am I really that repulsive?" I said "no, but it's burning my arse." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 7, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 Walked into the kitchen this morning, and the wife was cooking soft-boiled eggs in her shortie nightdress. "Good morning," I said. She threw her arms around me and gasped "let's do it, right here and right now." So we fell to the floor and went at it like rabbits. "Christ almighty," I said, "you must have been feeling horny!" "Not really," she replied. "The egg timer's broken." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted July 7, 2016 Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 On our wedding night, my missus thought it would be fun to take pictures for future fun. She became rather cross with me, because I kept beating the flash. I got tired of her hurling that in my face and finally told her, I was doing just fine until she entered the room. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 7, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 My wifes sister just sat on my new pair of glasses and broke them. I'm furious, they cost me a fucking fortune. To be fair, I suppose I should have taken them off first. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 7, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 I'm really looking forward to this evening, our local mosque is having a bonfire night. Don't tell them though. It's a surprise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DingTheRioja Posted July 7, 2016 Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 LIttle Davy and Katie playing outside in the sun. Davy pulls his shorts down and says "Look at this, I've got one of these and you haven't.. ner ner.." Katie lifts up her dress and says "my mummy says because I've got one of these, when I'm older, I can get as many of those as I want..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted July 7, 2016 Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 39 minutes ago, DingTheRioja said: LIttle Davy and Katie playing outside in the sun. Davy pulls his shorts down and says "Look at this, I've got one of these and you haven't.. ner ner.." Katie lifts up her dress and says "my mummy says because I've got one of these, when I'm older, I can get as many of those as I want..." This thread is for jokes, Dung. Granted, you're the laughing stock of CC, but you simply aren't funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DingTheRioja Posted July 7, 2016 Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 2 hours ago, Bubba C said: This thread is for jokes, Dung. Granted, you're the laughing stock of CC, but you simply aren't funny. Stupid cunt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BrothersQuim Posted July 7, 2016 Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 Whats red and wraped up in newspaper?Abortion of chips. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BrothersQuim Posted July 7, 2016 Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 Bloke approaches Paddy and says: Paddy will you take part in a race for charity... Paddy: I'm not as fit as I was I can't be arsed Bloke: Oh go on paddy its for spastics and blind kids Paddy: Oh fuck it go on then, I could win that one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BrothersQuim Posted July 7, 2016 Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design. First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit, Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole, Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within, Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without, Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell, Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee, Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2016 On 02/07/2016 at 0:07 AM, BrothersQuim said: ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2016 Took my new girlfriend out last night for the first time, I took her to a Portuguese restaurant with an African theme. And if I had to do the same again, I would, my friend, for Nandos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted July 8, 2016 Report Share Posted July 8, 2016 On 07/07/2016 at 4:45 PM, scotty said: I'm really looking forward to this evening, our local mosque is having a bonfire night. Don't tell them though. It's a surprise. Fucking hell Scotty, time with you must fly by. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2016 12 minutes ago, camberwell gypsy said: Fucking hell Scotty, time with you must fly by. More quickly than you'd think, gypps. Far more quickly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted July 9, 2016 Report Share Posted July 9, 2016 A guy goes to a whorehouse and tells the madam he only wants to spend 5 bucks. The madam thinks for a bit, then says, “Betsy. She’s down the hall, last door on the left.” The guy walks down, sees Betsy — she’s not the best looking, but she would do. He puts it in and it’s the worst feeling he’s ever had on his dick — like sandpaper and teeth. He pulls out and tells her. “Um. something’s wrong, can you do something about that?” Betsy crinkles her face, then says, “Why of course! But it will run you another five bucks.” She pockets the fiver and goes to the bathroom and is back in no time. The guy puts it back in and now, it’s the complete opposite: it’s the best feeling he’s ever had, and finishes in a flash. Panting, he asks her, “oh my god… that felt amazing… what did you do??” Betsy smiles, and says, “for the extra five bucks, I pick the scabs.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted July 9, 2016 Report Share Posted July 9, 2016 I saw a thalidomide porn film the other day. The leading man had an arm like a babies cock. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted July 9, 2016 Report Share Posted July 9, 2016 A son says to his mother, “Mum, I have the biggest dick of all the kids in the Nativity play. Is that because I'm black?” His mother replies, “No. it’s because you’re 19”. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted July 9, 2016 Report Share Posted July 9, 2016 Punkape checks into a hotel and says to the man at the front desk, “I hope the porn is disabled”. The man at the desk replies, “It’s just regular porn, you sick fuck.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted July 9, 2016 Report Share Posted July 9, 2016 What do Iron Man and Katie Price have in common? They've both had a Downey Jr. inside them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted July 9, 2016 Report Share Posted July 9, 2016 What's the difference between an Afghan primary school and an Al Qaeda training camp? Fuck knows, I just fly the drone. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted July 9, 2016 Report Share Posted July 9, 2016 A rapist, a masochist, a pyromaniac, a necrophiliac, a sadist, a paedophile, a zoophile and Punkape are chatting at the golf club after their round. The rapist says, "I'd like to fuck something.". The zoophile says, "A cat." The paedophile says, "Even better: a kitten." The sadist asks, "How about we beat the kitten up, and THEN have sex with it?" The necrophiliac adds, "Alright, let's beat a kitten to death, and then have sex with it." Then the pyromaniac says, "Okay, how about we beat a kitten to death, light it on fire, and then have sex with it?" Punkape says, "Meow." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted July 10, 2016 Report Share Posted July 10, 2016 Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!" He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted July 10, 2016 Report Share Posted July 10, 2016 A newly married husband and wife are checking into their honeymoon hotel; "Any reservations?" asks the receptionist. "Yes", replies the husband, "she won't take it up the arse, but we'd still like to stay". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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